


i came looking for copper (but i found a rose quartz instead)

by Leutik



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, eventual smut? kind of, professional cuddler au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 17:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30143061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leutik/pseuds/Leutik
Summary: Shelby Goodkind, 24, heart emoji and praying hands emoji, “love can cure even the deepest wound!” on her bio.Well, Toni was desperate, wasn’t she?or: professional cuddler!shelby x in need of therapy!toni au
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke (background), Martha Blackburn/Alex (background), Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 23
Kudos: 312





	i came looking for copper (but i found a rose quartz instead)

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i do not know how things work. this applies to professional cuddling, basketball, american geography or gemnology.

Shelby became a professional cuddler for two main reasons: because she’s unapologetically optimistic, sure that love will heal every wound of humanity — and for the money.

Out of high school she wasn’t given any scholarship, her parents weren’t going to pay her college, and she was almost engaged to Andrew. Her “Can I have a couple of days to think about it?” to his marriage proposal saved her life, buying her time to take the online course to become a certified cuddler.

As soon as she got her first appointment, she packed her things and jumped on a train without a ticket, and with her first hundred dollars, she paid for her b&b for the night.

Perhaps it was her appearance, perhaps it was the reviews her clients left her, but Shelby Goodkind quickly became one of the most required professional cuddlers, her prices inflating a bit, allowing her to buy a nice apartment and set roots in a brand new state. She had a few regulars, but she liked to switch, once they got over whatever brought them to asking for professional cuddling.

Shelby Goodkind started this job for the money, to find a way to escape the life that was written by someone else, and along the way, she found something she could make herself useful through. For lonely, touch-starved people, who had it way worse than she did, despite swimming in money.

* * *

«You can’t keep playing in my team if you don’t get a grip on yourself, Shalifoe. Three fouls in a single game, really?» Was Toni’s coach ultimatum, after her anger got the upper hand on her for the umpteenth time. That was actually the reason she was a feared player on the court: unpredictable and doing the most — until it became too much.

So she started therapy, and it was precisely her therapist who told Toni that it wasn’t words that she needed, but touch, for whatever childhood trauma Toni had already forgotten by now. So he told her about cuddling therapy, and at this point, Toni was willing to try anything, to save her career — so she registered on the system and looked for the best they had.

Shelby Goodkind, 24, heart emoji and praying hands emoji, _“love can cure even the deepest wound!”_ on her bio.

Well, Toni was desperate, wasn’t she?

But not even Martha’s “It actually sounds like a great idea, Toni! Tell me everything afterwards!” might have possibly prepared Toni for what she’s witnessing right now: her doorbell ringing, and behind it, a blonde woman with a “professional cuddler” shirt and the biggest smile.

Was it too late to bail now?

* * *

«Hi, I’m Shelby, you must be Toni!» Shelby tells her once the door is opened, in the nicest square of town, the nicest building and the highest apartment. This Toni person has a shit ton of money, is the first thing Shelby considers.

The second thing Shelby considers, is how nice not only her apartment looks, but the owner as well. Big dark eyes, defined lips, cheekbones to kill, olive skin, curly hair falling down her shoulders, boney hands holding the door?

Shelby is gay, no need to be reminded during working hours.

«Yeah,» is the only thing Toni answers, taking a step aside to let Shelby in, and the fourth thing Shelby considers, is how Toni looks like she doesn’t want to be in this situation.

Shelby has experienced this many times: the shame one might feel in asking for help, totally problematic and that shouldn’t exist, but the only natural product of patriarchy — Shelby was getting a bit into politics recently — or the discomfort being touched after so much time brings. Some of Shelby’s clients haven’t been touched since childhood, actually, and that always tightens Shelby’s heart, and makes her realize how, despite everything, Shelby has been blessed in many ways.

So Shelby has to put Toni at ease, that’s part of her job, and the first thing she does is saying: «The first time the client has all the power.»

«Isn’t the customer always right?»

«Just the first time,» Shelby winks, trying to convey it as a joke, as Toni walks her to the living room.

Shelby eyes the couch, silently asking Toni if it’s here they’re going to cuddle, and Toni follows her gaze before sitting down. Shelby takes a seat right next to her, for practical reasons, but Toni shifts a bit further, and that is a signal for Shelby that she still is very much in the “make the client at ease” part.

_Client_ is such a foreign word to her right now, as she’d rather use “patient”, someone sick with touch-starvation, making Shelby some kind of therapist. That’s a thing that makes her feel better about her job, her usefulness, and feels closer to what actually happens during her sessions.

Shelby is thinking about something to ask, before Toni beats her to it: «Isn’t it dangerous? Going into people’s houses with no idea what’s gonna happen to you?»

That’s something Shelby has never been asked, but that’s also something she’s thought about, the reason why she exclusively took frail-looking patients at first, and signed up for self-defence classes later.

«Yeah, that’s why they pay me this much.» Shelby jokes, opting for this strategy to break the ice.

But Toni looks impassible, as if Shelby’s wasn’t a joke but rather something that disappointed her, and perhaps she was asking Shelby for a little sign of humanity, authenticity, or something along those lines — so she tries making up for it: «Nothing ever happened to me, though.»

Shelby leaves out the “not yet” and the little uncomfortable episodes, it happened once or twice that some of her male clients got a bit turned on by innocent cuddling, and how a few of them subtly tried to touch in non-innocent ways. But Shelby tried getting to know their clients for that too: knowing why people would get into such a position was a double edge sword, which allowed Shelby a more powerful weapon than self-defence, that was the deep and intimate knowledge of one’s troubles.

(It was a weapon that she used once already, and it brought extreme consequences, but Shelby didn’t wish for anyone’s death. She knew better than having one more reason to spend her nights in a sleepless vigil.)

«Testing the waters, Toni?» Shelby tries for a different kind of joke, requiring being on a first-name basis for that job, and Toni frowns, making her feel like she took the umpteenth misstep. «Fuck, no, I don’t even want to- it wasn’t even my idea, this _thing_.»

Well, that’s problematic. It never once happened in Shelby’s six years of career, so this is new territory for her. «Whose idea was it?»

Toni pinches the bridge of her nose, one of her knees bouncing repeatedly, quickly, and Shelby recognizes instantly the early signs of discomfort, «It’s okay, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I mean, it’s quite _odd_ -» Shelby starts, chuckling to herself, to let go of her own nervousness as to how to approach this new kind of patient.

«It was my therapist’s.» It’s sharp and cold, the quickest answer Shelby has ever received, which leaves her a bit dumbfounded.

«Uhm, is there a pathology I should be aware of?»

Toni shrugs, as another sign of stress arises, and now she’s picking at the skin near her nails. «Just anger, but I’m not violent. Not at people.»

Well, that surely changes things, and Shelby suddenly feels that “client” might be the safest term to use now: just get it over with and refuse a second appointment. But because Shelby is optimistic, has received so much from this job, feels grateful and blessed for what she has now, so she takes Toni’s distress by heart. Toni’s clear and loud distress.

She places a hand on Toni’s knee first, to still it, and sees Toni’s gaze quickly snap at where her hand is, as if ready to burn a hole just by looking at it.

So Shelby takes it back just as quickly, and sees how her leg goes back to bouncing, and now Toni isn’t picking at the skin near her nails, but is biting at it. It feels just like approaching a wild animal, or a grumpy kid, and Shelby isn’t a vet nor a pedagogist, so she doesn’t know how to move in this unprecedented scenario.

A long silence stretches, as Shelby’s mind is racing to find ways to fill the gap. Not to take undeserved money, and to actually help a very much troubled-looking Toni.

«Are you angry now?»

Toni huffs a laugh, for the very first time, and Shelby wonders if every time she opens her mouth she messes up. «No, I’m just- it’s just weird.»

«Why is it weird?»

«You sound like my therapist.»

Shelby’s not mad, but she is frustrated, because Toni isn’t collaborating in the slightest. So she swallows a sigh, «As I said, you have all the power today. What do you want to do?»

Toni smiles to herself, «You’re serving a dirty joke on a silver platter, you know that?»

Shelby chuckles, glad that at least something loosened up in her. «Not on the menu, sorry.»

Toni nods, «It was just a joke,» and Toni leaves the sentence open, so Shelby asks: «But?» and Toni glances at just once, « _But_ that is the contact I know.»

Shelby is in her professional self, no space for her fantasy running after what Toni might look like during _the contact she knows_ , and focuses instead on how the “only” is implicit. «Never been cuddled before?»

Shelby’s is a good question. Has Toni ever cuddled before? She held Marty, during Dr Tom’s trial. She held Regan after they had sex. And that was pretty much it. So no, Toni has never been cuddled before, before her dynamic with Regan was pretty one-dimensional, and because she was Marty’s big sister, and not the other way around.

She isn’t sure she has ever cuddled either, not properly, just offering the space between her arms, letting the other person fill it in any way they might need. Passive-cuddling, if that’s a thing.

«Kinda.»

«I’ll take that as a no,» Shelby delivers, as if she had any knowledge about Toni’s life, and Toni has made up her mind about the woman by now. Classic little miss perfect looking girl, got into the profession to make easy money, picking her clients amongst the richest in true gold digger fashion. Her attempt at touching Toni without her consent shows how little Shelby is suited for the job, and Toni can’t wait to report back to her therapist and tell him that she tried, but it wasn’t for her.

«Because this is a cuddling session, I’ll have to touch at some point, is that alright?»

So _now_ comes the consent, «I guess.»

She feels how Shelby is trying to keep her cool, for how Toni isn’t being collaborative, just like her therapist does, just like her coach does, just like her teachers growing up did, her foster parents — hell, even Marty and Regan sometimes.

Toni almost takes it as a challenge, because she _is_ desperate to not be kicked off the team, but knows there’s no remedy to her angry outbursts, so she might as well make this little miss perfect sweat a little for her money.

«Can I touch you now?»

«You’re making it weirder, Doc.»

«I’m not a doctor.»

«Habit.»

Shelby stays still, her hand uncertain, mid-air, «How can I make it less weird?»

«You’re the expert, not me.»

«Every patient is different.»

«Thought you weren’t a doctor.»

Shelby, finally, lets out a sigh that sounds like it’s been stuck in her throat ever since she walked in, and lets her hand drop. «Right.»

Toni gets up, because staying still, with this Shelby person scooting closer and closer by the minute is making her anxious, and walks to the open space connecting the living room and the kitchen, to fix herself a drink.

«Want a drink?»

«I’m working.»

Toni chuckles, «This is hardly considerable a job.»

Shelby stands up and walks to where she is, forearms on the counter, torso inclined to take a closer look at her, as Toni has her head into one of the cabins, looking for her stash of alcohol.

«Why, what do you do?»

«Wnba player.»

Toni expects a whistle, asking for an autograph or even a hug, but Shelby answers instead: «So throwing a ball in a basket is more of a job than providing the emotional support people need?»

Toni stands up at that, defensive of her profession, and her head slams against the top of the cabin. After a quiet «Fuck,» she is face to face with Shelby, who looks just as combative as she sounded.

« _We_ provide more emotional support. Ever watched a game?»

«I’m not a fan, no.»

«Well, you should try it. Some say it’s better than sex.»

Shelby rolls her eyes at that, «They sure haven’t had good sex then.»

And Toni wants to argue, she does, but she’s not a hookup kind of girl, and she never had a relationship after Regan — too many years ago, when she was young and the sex was inexperienced and messy.

So she just shrugs, «Says who.» and downs her drink.

She goes to fill her glass again, but Shelby’s hand stops her, and Toni almost wants to tell her she can’t touch her, but she’s paying her to do precisely that.

«Wasn’t I in power?»

«You’re not very good at it, so I’m taking it back.» Shelby starts walking to the corridor at that, as if she knew what rooms were there, «You comin’?»

And Toni can’t let Shelby walk around her own house now, can she?

Toni’s apartment is the nicest for the view she has from her bedroom. Shelby is actually speechless by it, led there by the little tour she asked the woman.

«And this is the bedroom,» Toni says, still by the door, as Shelby takes a few steps in. It has light grey walls, dark blue ceiling, wooden floors, a big double bed right in the middle, and, of course, the view, through the wall-high windows.

«Like it?» Toni asks, and Shelby is reminded that she’s supposed to say something. Some of her clients weren’t well-off, and for them she usually made very low prices, while some others were even wealthier than Toni probably is, but there’s something to the style of this house, something that manages to take the possibilities to create beauty that money allows, and the fully lived and personalized touches of people who actually have time to _be_ in their houses.

It has photos hung on the walls, posters — quite self-centred, with Toni jumping to touch the basket and a few team shoots — little trophies and framed objects. But there are posters of constellations too, and little jars with sand and rocks in them. Pictures of Toni and another girl, looking much younger.

«Who wouldn’t?»

Shelby turns to look back at Toni, who’s still holding the door, as if very ready to leave the room. And because Shelby cannot force anything, she follows her back into the kitchen, and accepts the drink.

«Oh no, you’re not paying me for not doing my job,» Shelby tells Toni, as an hour has passed, and Toni is leaving the money on the counter.

«You still stayed.»

Shelby smiles, «I’m still not getting your money, Toni. Some of us have work ethics.»

Toni genuinely laughs at that, because, what the fuck? « _I_ have work ethics.»

«“Yours is hardly a job”,» Shelby chants, and sure, Toni maybe deserved the comeback, but still.

«I train three hours a day, you know.»

«I do too.»

«You cuddle your pillows?»

«It’s not _just_ cuddling.»

«I thought “that” wasn’t on the menu.»

Shelby eyes warningly at her, and takes that as a cue to stand up and wear her coat. «Cuddling just serves to create a safe space, but it’s the talking that helps.»

«We talked.»

«Still not getting your money.»

Toni doesn’t know why she’s so fixated on paying Shelby — perhaps it’s to have an excuse to book another appointment, because as much as it was useless, Toni is kind of lonely, in this shark industry and with Marty being busy all the time. «I insist.»

«Goodbye, Toni.»

* * *

It is the first time Shelby isn’t allowed to do her job, and she knows it’s not a “playing hard to get” kind of thing: the involuntary reactions of Toni’s body at Shelby’s littlest touches are something she’s used to, in patients, something the union of touch starvation and defensiveness often brings — but in the first few minutes. Perhaps it’s the fact that Toni didn’t want to be there that made the whole situation an exception, but still Shelby can’t stop thinking about it, wondering what she might have done better.

What Shelby doesn’t expect is finding Toni’s review on her working profile, with no words, just a 10 out of 10 ranking.

And what Shelby expects even less, is finding herself starting to watch the wnba league.

* * *

«I tried, Doc. It didn’t work.»

«Of course it didn’t, it was just the first session! You need to be consistent, to build trust with this professional, Toni, or you’ll never get out of it.»

Toni is sitting in front of Dr Faber, in that white leather armchair, scented candles surrounding them as if he came straight out of the 60s.

«Can’t I do something else? Colouring books?»

«You think you have the patience for that?»

«More than cuddling with a stranger, yeah.»

Dr Faber sighs, and prescribes her another session «With, what was her name, Goodkind? It’s good to be consistent,» _and_ to buy a stash of colouring books.

* * *

Toni delays booking the next session with Shelby for the rest of the week, her mind occasionally jumping back to the mindless talking they shared. From the weather and the traffic, as if they were in their sixties, to what being in wnba implies, to who styled Toni’s house, to what Shelby’s apartment looked like.

In between sessions, during individual workout or practice with her team, with sweat dripping from her forehead, she wasn’t single-minded as she always was on the court. But even if it was something usually non-advisable, Toni was a good enough player to still pull her best game with a split mind. And her mind, being split, kept her from being jumpy and too responsive.

«Good job Shalifoe, whatever you did, keep doing it!» her coach commented, as she wasn’t half as aggressive on the game, but exactly because of that, with a fuller but less foggy-with-emotions mind, number three Toni Shalifoe was the most precise, in that weekend’s game.

* * *

When Shelby gets the notification for the second appointment with Toni, no accompanying text, she reads it a second time. Toni looked like she wished to be everywhere but there last time, so it probably is something her therapist prescribed her to do.

The same reasons that brought her to Toni the first time bring Shelby to knock on her door for the second time, even if the first appointment might repeat itself, for which Shelby won’t be paid.

The second thing she notices, this time, is double the bill, sitting on the counter, evidently reserved for her.

(The first thing she notices is how tired Toni looks, but not half as tense as she did last time. Tired and _sorry_ , for some reason.)

«Wasn’t expecting a second session,» Shelby says, getting off her coat, Toni offering a hand to hang it for her.

«Me neither. Dr Faber said it had to be the same person, so.»

«Well, it’s good to see a familiar face.»

Toni just nods, and just walks further into her apartment. This is something Shelby has grasped from last time as well: she acts as if she’s waiting for Shelby to do something, to be unpredictable, for something to react to, instead of acting first.

«Will you let me do my job today?»

«You say it as if it was important.»

Shelby almost says “it is”, but knows it won’t mean much for Toni, so she says instead: «Your doctor thinks it is.»

«One more reason to think it’s not.»

They stand in the living room, facing each other, Toni swinging a bit her feet, hands clasped in front of her. «So…» Toni starts, biting the inside of her cheek, and there’s so much going on with her, so many little details and little tics, that Shelby would just like to hug it all away, and sure, it sounds hippie just like that, but she’s seen it work before. Happened to herself, right after Becca died, and no one was there for her but her mom, who held her just like that, hugging all her self-loathing away.

«You okay?» Toni asks, bringing back to reality, and it’s ironic and mirroring what should be happening, so Shelby blinks and smiles a smile of her own, one she’s trained to reach her eyes despite it doesn’t reach anything within, «Yeah.»

«That’s bullshit.»

Shelby narrows her eyes, a nervous chuckle, momentarily forgetting that it’s good that Toni is reacting, and solely focusing that she’s reacting onto something that is none of her business. «Excuse me?»

«Why did you get into this job?»

Shelby feels as if Toni is having an intermittent conversation with herself, consulting Shelby only when she doesn’t possess all the information, because she can’t see how that relates to anything.

So Shelby collects herself, shakes her head a bit, and gets in her professional self once more. «That’s a question for a third date, at least.»

Toni looks at her warily, squinting her eyes, as if trying to analyze her — again, ironically enough. But then she settles for a shrug, «A “date”, huh.»

«Since I’m not doing my job, what else are these?»

Toni smiles, of a smile that looks bittersweet, and Shelby wonders what that might mean. «Coach says I have to keep doing what I’m doing, so. I’ll see you plenty, if you’ll have a spot for me. And you should take the money, for that.»

It’s soft all of a sudden: the tone of Toni’s voice, the interaction, the phrasing, the almost shy hesitation — and ultimately, Toni herself. As if she had been preparing to be rejected, to be told that Shelby was too full to take on another regular.

So Shelby shakes her head, feeling a bit weird, like she never did in the workplace — she felt plenty in the workplace: empathy and satisfaction and sadness and joy, but never quite like _this_.

«There is a reserved spot for you, and I’ll take the money when you’ll let me do my job.»

Toni smiles, and tries to bite it away, as if smiling was something to be embarrassed about, «Can’t you just take it?»

«Nu-huh. We should start working on that contact now, if you want to be a regular client.»

Toni doesn’t understand why someone wouldn’t take easy money, and Toni has been told she’s great company — when she’s not angry at something — but Shelby is looking at her expectantly, her palms held up, a clear invitation for Toni to take her hands.

But Toni stares at them, and she knows nothing is gonna happen, she knows it. She also knows that nothing _of that nature_ has ever happened to her, nothing close to what happened to Marty, so that’s not what she’s scared of. It’s so tangled and shoved down that Toni can’t quite place what is giving off bad vibes from the invitation, what could go wrong.

If it’s the fact that it’s Shelby, perhaps. Shelby who she’s known for a little longer than an hour, but that she’s kept thinking about for the past week, because Toni is that lonely. And she cannot afford to go from absolute solitude to being held like she never has before, what will the consequences be? When the cuddling deal will be over, who will hold Toni? She cannot afford to get comfortable in the touch, to even like it, because the most Toni can reach for are hookups, and she isn’t even interested in those, knowing they’re not worth the death feeling that follows.

«Toni,» is Shelby’s gentle voice, breaking through her thoughts, and Toni knows she looks stupid right no, a very simple and clear instruction, paralyzed on the spot. The contact she knows is long forgotten, a mere mirage by now, and the only familiar thing now is violent bumping against her teammates on the court.

But Shelby has been kind enough to come for a second time, and Toni knows she won’t take the money, and there won’t be a third time, if she doesn’t step out of her comfort zone. So she extends her own hands, and places them gently on Shelby’s palms, barely brushing.

It’s the littlest thing, or so it’s supposed to be, but it feels everything to Toni: overwhelming in a way that forces her to look somewhere else, on the side, at the abstract art painting she bought just because she was told so and still hasn’t understood what all the shapes should represent. To the couch just under it, the same couch they spent just a few minutes, last time. And her hands are tremblings, she knows they are, because the brushing is inconsistent, lightly hitting Shelby’s warm hands with every shake, and Toni feels a dangerous sensation, a bit of burning behind her eyes, her lips pressed hard against each other, blinking with a higher frequency to avoid looking even more stupid, over something so little.

It feels as if her ribcage got smaller all of a sudden, so she tries expanding it, with a big intake of air.

When it’s been a while, enough to make her neck feel sore for the bending on the side, constantly looking anywhere but at Shelby, and that her hands have stopped trembling as hard, she looks back at Shelby, to check what her thoughts might be, just to see her smiling. With such a deep, affectionate — as if they weren’t total strangers — smile, eloquent eyes, and expressivity that conveys pride, of all emotions.

Toni retracts her hands, as if they burned, takes a step back, and points at the counter behind her, «Dry throat,» she explains, hoping it’ll be a passable excuse, «Want a drink?»

And this time, Shelby nods, «Just water thanks.»

(She’s merciful enough to offer a middle ground topic to talk about for the rest of the forty-seven minutes, and for the second time, she doesn’t take the money.)

So, the situation might be worse than Shelby imagined. She’s had all sorts of clients, over the past few years, so she’s dealt with victims of abuse and sexual harassment as well. The signs were a bit different, so she doesn’t think Toni falls into the category, despite no one properly ever falls into a category, each and every trauma being unique and complex on its own.

The closest thing Shelby can read into Toni’s body language is solitude, deep and rooted, and a load of self-hatred. Hitting quite close to home, but Shelby is in a different state of mind now, right?

It certainly doesn’t feel like it, when she felt grateful that Toni wouldn’t look at her, as Shelby’s eyes felt a bit humid, and tried blinking them to dryness again. Like staring in a mirror, in a frightening image.

And, once she’s home, she thinks back at Toni’s question, earlier that afternoon: why did she get into this job, of all jobs? One answer was the money, but she could have chosen any job, more secure ones, for that matter.

The other one, the philanthropist one, was to help others — the way her mother helped her.

And the third, the one she tried not to think too much about, was to get closure. To hold someone the way her father never did, and project in their healing process.

It wasn’t healthy by any means, but Shelby wasn’t going to sign up for cuddle therapy herself, being just as stubborn as her next patient.

Perhaps that was what drew her that much to Toni: as she looked so majestic, despite how hurting she was, not to be able to touch her hands for longer than a couple of minutes. Shelby wanted to be as open to her own wounds as Toni was. Shelby wanted to learn from her, in a way.

And that night, she cheered for Toni’s team harder than she ever did, jumping on her couch, her beer spilling all over her carpet.

* * *

The third session Toni left three hundred dollars on the counter, and she was planning on leaving them to pile until Shelby would fucking decide to stop being so stubborn and just take them.

Shelby smiles at her, a little brighter than usual this time, and Toni shouldn’t — because it’s soon and theirs is a professional relationship, but she finds herself basking in the sensation.

«Hey» and «hi» as their usual greetings, coat hung, a few steps in, Toni waiting for Shelby to choose where they’ll stay in her own house.

Shelby doesn’t even small-talk: just puts her palms in a similar fashion to the last time, and Toni looks at them for a moment, «No foreplay first?» She jokes, but Shelby shakes her head, serious and smiling as always.

Toni takes her own hands, picking at the skin that doesn’t stay consistent with the rest, and she has many of those, palms calloused for her profession. She has a million questions in her mind, and if Shelby will keep her half-working half-not-taking-your-money kind of deal, Toni doesn’t hold back in trying to get to know her. Since she’s here.

«How do payments work? Do you keep it all or…?»

Shelby raises a brow, looks down at her hands, and Toni shrugs, trying to tell her the fact that she can still talk, even if they’re not doing the thing right now.

Shelby starts answering, after a studying gaze that lingered one too many seconds, «I get to keep eighty-five percent of it. If the client pays by bank transfer it’s automatic, if they pay under the table, then it’s a bit more complicated,» She doesn’t stop, as she’s the one who’s taking Toni’s hands in her own, with no warning and no consent, «Because I have to bank transfer that fifteen percent to the company.»

«They trust you like that?»

«It’s only reserved for veterans.» Shelby smiles sweetly at her, and Toni wonders when it got so easy to touch someone, being this close to them, making conversation and eye contact at once.

It’s easy until she thinks about it, and much like vertigo, she’s looking at the pit down the trembling bridge — and suddenly she wants to get out of it.

«Should give me your bank coordinates then,» Toni says, and excuses the loss of contact by hand gestures towards where the money is sitting.

Shelby waits for her to come back, (to business, to contact, to leave her to do what her conscience tells her to, in order to take the money), but Toni is by the cabinet, looking for something to busy herself with.

* * *

The fourth time they see each other is two days after one of the most important games of the season, and Shelby is only now starting to get a grip on how things work in court and during tournaments. One of the opponent players was twice as wide as Toni, quite small-framed for playing in such a sport, in the role that now Shelby knew was called shooting guard. A foul or two happened and every player had another one they kept checking. Shelby felt a bit part of the game, as she started to predict where the ball might go next, who was the best option to pass it to, being more or less impressed by where the ball was shooted.

The fourth time they see each other Toni asks her again for her bank coordinates, and Shelby makes a joke about stealing, before saying for the umpteenth time that she will be paid the day that she’ll do one full hour of her job.

Toni’s «except it’s not a real job» barely cuts through her, and even less does her «It will never be one hour, because since you get here, take your coat off and every time you already lose a few minutes.» It’s a weak argument, which she easily dismounts by saying that «I’m not legally bound to spend exactly sixty minutes in your apartment, Toni. The getting ready part isn’t counted.»

Shelby places her hands upwards, and that’s the technique she usually starts with, and that which only lasts a few minutes, but now it’s been three encounters and they’re still stuck here. But Toni, perhaps feeling wronged by something, goes to sit on the couch and turns her tv on, on a streaming service “suggested for you” page.

«When you’ll give me your bank coordinates, then we’ll do it the hippie way,» Toni explains to her, when Shelby still has her hands mid-air, eyes narrowed at the open hindrance.

«You got it the other way around.»

«The customer is always right.»

«Not with me.»

«Come sit, what do you want to watch?» Toni doesn’t even answer her, and that frustrates Shelby even more, because at this point it’s no longer having troubles with contact — because they’ve done it twice already, — this time is openly going against her.

But Shelby just stays there, and starts dictating numbers. Toni has paper and pen in her hands in minutes, and soon enough, she’s finally letting Shelby do it her way.

Toni didn’t think it this far. She thought Shelby would have been difficult like she always is and they’d just waste another day like that. Actually, the idea of starting a tv show with the girl didn’t sound so bad in Toni’s mind. But Shelby gave in, and now Toni has a string of numbers sitting on the low glass table, and Shelby is looking expectantly at her.

So Toni offers her hand, and she knows she’s being childish when she won’t look, as if they disgusted her.

«Too easy. We’re doing full opening up and pouring our hearts out now, you ready?»

Toni never dreaded words this much.

She doesn’t have time to complain, when Shelby is taking a step forward, taking those same hands, running up her forearms — and it shouldn’t be like that, should it? It should be a tight hug, firm and quick, and she should be free to go back to freedom — which are bare, her sleeves rolled up, and she’s sure to have goosebumps, feeling quite embarrassed for it.

Shelby’s chuckle is even worse, warm and low, filling the whole room and inside, reverberating to Toni’s ribcage, «You’re allowed to look, you know?»

«I just want to get it over with.»

«That’s an awful mindset to have for the next sixty minutes.»

Indeed it is, when Toni would really like to get it over with, and more so by every passing minute, when her body is fighting that thought with all its being. Shelby’s hands run a little upper, to her biceps, to her shoulders, and back, to her shoulder blades, to her spine — while Toni’s arms are dead by her sides, as if playing mannequin.

It feels a bit more sexual than Toni would have anticipated, but it’s all in her mind. She doesn’t want to be one of those people, and she’d ask Shelby if it happens often, but then Shelby would ask her why it came to her mind right now, and Toni really doesn’t want to expose her like that for free.

«You okay?» Shelby asks, her voice already so familiar, even if it’s just been a few weeks, and Toni finds herself nodding dumbly, «Yeah.»

«Good.»

Shelby pulls her closer, close in the way that has their toes touching, their tights touching, their hips touching — everything pressed against one another, until Shelby’s head is resting on Toni’s clavicle too, as if trying to absorb Toni’s body in her own.

Always the colonizer.

And it feels _so_ good, even if her whole body feels tense to the point it’s almost hurting, and Shelby’s scent is ten times stronger here, a mixture of her shampoo, of her the fabric softener, of what might be actual perfume.

It’s not all, Toni knows, because those are all products, and she would just like to know how her skin tastes, when it’s stripped to its purest form, all sweat and salt — and what the fuck.

Dirty daydreaming is sure better than feeling sorry for herself, but it’s still inappropriate. She wonders what other clients think, during those sessions.

So she asks — because it’s a safe question. «Don’t you get bored?»

She feels, before she hears, Shelby chuckling quietly to herself against Toni’s body, and she’s rubbing her cheek a bit against Toni’s sweatshirt, as she answers: «That’s what you’re thinking about?»

«What are _you_ thinking about?»

«That you’re so damn _tense_. You could at least try and hug back.»

«It’s not my job now, is it?»

«You didn’t even think it was a real job.»

«Ah, you got me.»

Shelby chuckles again, waits for a moment, before she’s turning her face upwards again, nose-to-nose with Toni, her arms moving from her back to take Toni’s hands once more. As she speaks, she moves those hands to her own back, to force Toni to hug her back, and, yeah, it doesn’t feel half bad. Shelby’s curve of the back under her hands, how she feels something moving — muscles, bones, articulations? Toni is not a doctor — with the little steps Shelby takes to re-balance herself.

«What do you want to do?»

Toni is impressed by her own responsiveness, when Shelby is still looking directly in her eyes, and her breath smells faintly of mint leaves and something fruity. «Thought the customer was always wrong with you.»

«Well, you’re the bored one.»

Toni looks around then, to sober herself up a bit, even if she wouldn’t mind just dumbly stare at Shelby’s eyes, as fucking cheesy as that sound. «A board game?»

«It has to allow cuddling-proximity.»

«I feel claustrophobic. Can we get a break?»

«We have a deal Toni.»

«You’re causing unnecessary trauma.»

«I’m healing it, if anything.»

«You really aren’t. This is called therapeutic obstinacy, Doc.»

«Again, not a doctor.»

« _That’s_ why you’re so bad at this.»

«I’m bad at cuddling?»

«This is a hug at most,» and boy, was that the wrong thing to say, because Shelby takes it as a personal affront and starts rubbing her back in soothing circles.

Before Toni can realize it — before they can do anything, board game or movie — an hour of bickering, while holding each other, has passed.

And if Shelby admits that «I’ve never had this much fun with a patient before,» Toni tries to ignore the flutter in her chest, the pride it causes her, and just shrugs it off with a «Not a doc.»

* * *

Shelby gave Toni the wrong bank coordinates, because she didn’t actually believe Toni would resist a whole hour of cuddling. But she did, and now Shelby is waiting in a mixture of anxiety and excitement next week, to see Toni realize what that “failed payment” stood for.

And, indeed, that’s what she walks on, at the start of their sixth session.

She hasn’t seen Toni angry yet — she feels like she should have seen it coming, sooner or later.

When Toni opens the door, it still all looks normal: Toni smiles at her a bit shily as per usual, and has a vague look of confusion in her eyes. As soon as Shelby’s coat is hung and they’re sitting on Toni’s couch, Toni tells her: «I think you messed up the coordinates a bit.»

«Oh no, those were fake ones,» Shelby says with a light chuckle, because that sounds funny enough, in her ears. Just a harmless prank, something she used just to be safe Toni wouldn’t give her undeserved money, something to laugh about later.

But Toni’s expression changes, and from relaxed and laid back, it turns rigid and stoic, a wrinkle between her brows, her lips in a tight line.

«Why would you do that?»

Toni’s tone is just as off as she looks, and Selby takes the vibe. Distrust, cheating, backstabbing and other big words that sound too severe in Shelby’s head. But Toni is a wild animal, or a neglected kid, and Shelby is no vet and no pedagogist to know how to deal with her.

«I just had to make sure- listen, it’s fine, I’ll give you the right ones this time. Do you have paper and pen?»

Toni keeps looking at her, and Shelby feels just like the first time they met, when she kept messing up with every step she thought she got right.

«You didn’t answer me.»

Shelby would like to answer that she doesn’t owe her any explanation, but she is in her professional persona right now, so she shoves it aside. «Because it’s not that big of a deal.»

«It is though.»

Shelby hears it, the “it is to me”, that would weaken the sentence, but is still there.

So she nods, and explains: «I didn’t know if you’d let me do my job, since you didn’t, the first four times.»

Toni doesn’t answer, she just stands up and takes a few steps around the room.

Shelby is restless, because that truly isn’t the place one should start a cuddling session, and even more so, when the tension isn’t from the outside, but it’s directed to the cuddler herself.

She’s almost thankful, when Toni says: «I don’t feel like doing it now. I’m sorry you had to come all the way here.»

Shelby is no vet and no pedagogist, but she knows that communication is key, has heard it millions of times during her training and applied it even more during her profession — that’s why she stands up too, and walks up to her. She places a hand on her arm, and albeit Toni goes rigid under her touch, she doesn’t move away.

«We could watch that movie?»

Toni knows she’s throwing a tantrum, because Shelby didn’t actually do anything different than refuse her money, seeing from an outside viewer. And it’s not even the fact that Toni walked to the bank all upbeat, feeling way lighter than she has in the longest time, ever since she used to be a teenager, showered by Martha and Regan and Bernice’s affection. It’s the fact that Toni trusted her, trusted her to touch her and to hold her and to make Toni’s defences lay low, to make her doubt her way of living, as a performative money-making machine, just a body, her only aim to make her team win, to make the only thing she’s decent at. Toni has allowed Shelby to do all that because Shelby allowed — or deceived her to think — Toni to pay her back for that. To lessen the emotional bond that Toni doesn’t want but so desperately needs, throwing the pollution of money and the dirty dehumanizing power it always carries.

Unpaid cuddles feel dangerous, a bit too much like the premise of being abandoned again — from her dad, from her mom, from her teachers, from Regan, from Marty — and be left to deal with her hurting on her own, all over again.

Toni doesn’t know how much longer she can bear that infinite cycle, that putting herself out there, being vulnerable, being thrown away and licking her own wounds. But being alone fuels her anger, and her coach doesn’t want any of that — if Toni can’t live for her job and can’t live for her love, what is she left with?

So Toni follows Shelby to the couch and they put a stupid movie on.

So Toni lets Shelby choose the movie, even if it’s a silly romcom, one of the kinds Toni despises.

So Toni lets Shelby scoot closer, and probably Shelby thinks she’s doing a good job being all stealthy about it, but Toni isn’t paying attention to the screen at all, lost in her own thoughts.

(So Toni lets Shelby lay her hand next to hers, pinkies brushing, and she lets Shelby hold her hand, and she doesn’t move away, when Shelby rests her head on her shoulder.)

* * *

They make progress.

Shelby left Toni the right coordinates that very sixth afternoon, and they had a little — _little_ — fight when Shelby found out that Toni paid the amount of six hundred dollars, but Shelby accepted it, after a silly joke Toni made about sugar mummies.

They make progress when Shelby doesn’t have to prompt Toni to hold her back, on the seventh encounter. They make progress when they watch another movie on the eighth, and Toni almost ( _almost_ ) initiates contacts, willingly sitting close enough to Shelby for Shelby to just lean a little and press their sides. They make progress on the ninth, when they make a puzzle together, Shelby’s hand on Toni’s knee for the entirety of it, and they make progress on the tenth, when Toni complains about the stupid colouring book she’s been wasting her time with, and how Dr Faber actually wants to see them, to the point where Toni tried buying them already made. So they spend their tenth — those are not really sessions, where they barely touch but do things together, and yet, Shelby can’t call them dates, can she? — encounter like that: filling the obnoxious pictures of superheroes and cars with Toni’s markers.

They make progress in subtle ways, in the ways Shelby can tell it’s not just Toni who’s improving herself.

Because Shelby is no longer having a hard time accepting payments, because she’s never had such a stubborn client before — if anything, some of them tried to water her prices down. And Shelby accepting what’s due, in her head, means that she’s deserving of something, that her hard work has rewards, and it’s not just the natural stasis one has to start from. It’s not the men’s world her daddy taught her to live in, to please ‘em and to be pretty for ‘em: it’s a world where someone like Toni could score the final shoot in a season-changing game and end up on the first page of the magazines Shelby has started buying ever since. It’s a world where someone like Shelby could pursue what she’s good at, that is healing people’s deepest and emotional wounds, in the simplest form of human’s connection, and make a living out of it. Be independent, be her own person, and sound crazy if she’s refusing what’s due to her by someone like Toni.

Shelby is also improving with every little step Toni takes, because pageant Shelby knows how to put quite the mask on, and look all collected during work. But the lonely apartment she comes home to, late at night, had her doubting her choices more than once, still mourning over Becca years later, making her wonder if she’s just a fraud, useless and not producing anything for others to use. If she’s really slowly slipping into Satan’s hands, while she’s all stupid and smiling without even realizing it.

But the one Toni is showing her, is a world where coming home alone could be a choice, when one thinks it’s safer that way — not loneliness, but philanthropism. That even if one doesn’t produce, (all their little jokes about how neither of theirs is “a real job”), even if one makes entertainment and pursues their passion, it’s still worth it just the same. That causing someone’s harm, even someone’s death, takes a lot of time and effort to forgive oneself, and forgiveness is something that _has_ to be done — under the fake goal of not being kicked out of a team, masking the true goal to be kind to oneself.

So Toni isn’t the only one who’s healing, because Shelby and her are similar in more ways than Shelby might have anticipated, and they make progress, in those ten encounters.

They make progress until they don’t, when their eleventh appointment gets cancelled.

* * *

«Shalifoe, want a cuddle?»

Toni doesn’t pick up on it at first, as she’s walking to her locker, towel on her neck after the hard training.

«Want me to hold you, Toni?»

There’s snickering, and she still doesn’t pick up on it. She just shakes her head and mumbles a «you wish» to the teammate who just said that.

But they start overlapping, from a: «Don’t make that face, need a hug?» and «I’m not blonde but I can dye my hair for you, sugar mommy!» that gets too specific.

It’s when they say «How much do you pay her, huh?» and «Does she only cuddle or there’s something more? You’re not telling the whole picture here Shalifoe, are you?» that Toni not only understands it, but anger fires up in her in an instant, and she’s slamming the locker, and she’s turning around, red the only colour filling her eyes.

«So fucking desperate,» and «Don’t you have any friends at all?» are the ones that will stand out later. When she’ll be medicating herself in her house, with the first aid kit Martha bought her after her first accident, because she can’t go to the hospital for something like that. Not when paparazzi put her in this whole situation to begin with, and she really should have told Shelby to take the back entrance, from that first time.

Such a naive misstep, that has her burning just like the alcohol burns against the little cuts and bruises trying to fight against eleven other girls tall twice as her bought her.

(So Toni cancels it, because it’s only happened once before, all those years ago, in that parking lot. Toni swears she’s not violent at people, only at objects, but if she is, it’s never at women.

All that therapy, just a fucking illusion. Because when Shelby isn’t there, Toni is just as bad as she was eleven weeks before — and Shelby won’t be here forever.

* * *

Shelby shows up anyways, because she doesn’t have clients’ numbers and she can only reach them through the app they book their appointments in, but Toni hasn’t bothered to enable that option.

Shelby has been reading those magazines, and Toni is pretty popular for her looks and her mysterious attitude, avoiding social gatherings and all that — so it’s only natural that Shelby read the news about her, too. _“Mysterious woman found sneaking out from Minnesota Lynx’s basketball star Toni Shalifoe’s house”_ as a headline, that contradicts its very text, as “mysterious woman” is revealed to be herself, or better, _“The photos reveal painstaking similarities with Professional Cuddler Shelby Goodkind”_. Shelby doesn’t really give a damn, because she has just been doing her job, and Toni is allowed to have therapy like the rest of the population. What Shelby doesn’t like, is that therapy is implied to be something to be ashamed of, in the article, and the many sexual innuendos about the nature of Shelby’s profession.

It makes Shelby guess why Toni cancelled their appointment, and if Toni was worried about her public image Shelby would respect that, but she had no means to reach out to Toni, so the best Shelby could do was wearing a hoodie and sunglasses and show up at their usual time and day.

She has seen Toni angry, just once, but when Toni opens the door and closes it in Shelby’s face, that’s when Shelby knows she has _not_ , in fact, seen Toni angry yet.

(But even now, Toni’s doesn’t feel like anger, but rather fear, fear with violent outputs, but not quite sheer anger in its input. Not the free kind of anger one would expect when reading “anger management issues” on a patient’s label, further from the truth than the natural defence mechanism every being put in what they perceive as danger adopts. But Shelby won’t go into details, not as there’s Toni on the other end of the door and the sound of objects being shattered.)

So Shelby knocks, and she rings the bell, and shouts «Toni! Open up please!» a few times, before Toni finally gives in.

«Did you read the news?» Is the first thing Toni asks, and her voice is so rushed, so impatient, in a way that makes Shelby’s own heartbeat faster with anxiety just out of solidarity.

«Fuck, I’m so _mad_ , those fucking people being paid to write such bullshit, and even stupider people reading that shit-»

«Toni, hey, calm down,» Shelby knows it’s not her best line, but Toni is pacing back and forth, swerving from her touches, and Shelby doesn’t know what else to say, all her training out of the window.

«Did you read it? Because you look too calm for someone who’s on the headline of the most sold shitty magazine in the whole state.»

«Yes I read it,» and Shelby would point out that she’s not on the headline, Toni is, but she doesn’t need any more pressure.

Toni does some more pacing, and Shelby recognizes the glass that’s been smashed to the ground, and doesn’t really know where to start to bring the situation back to normal.

«Why don’t we sit down and-»

«And what, Shelby, talk about it? Colour a fucking book and take a walk around the block?»

Toni’s eyes are as fierce as they’ve always been, but they’re also asking for help: they look like they want Shelby to say that yes, they need to talk about it, colour a fucking book and take a walk around the block, even if it’ll be useless, just to say they tried.

So Shelby nods, «Yes, tell me all about it. _Why_ are you mad?»

Toni scoffs, takes another few steps back and forth, hands in her hair, «Why? That’s privacy violation, and what do they even know about any of that? They talk like they don’t go through stuff, and if they don’t, they shouldn’t talk shit about people who do, they should just fucking shut up and be thankful.»

It feels disconnected to Shelby, who has read the article and can’t quite pinpoint where the author sounded like mocking Toni directly, so she asks: «Are you talking about the article?»

Toni looks at her, really looks at her, in a way that makes Shelby feel like the carpet has been taken out from under her feet — «Yes, _just_ the article.»

Shelby doesn’t buy it, but Toni has had one privacy violation already, so she doesn’t say a thing.

«Why are you so calm about it?» Toni asks, as if looking for Shelby’s common front on this one.

Shelby shrugs, «It’s just an article, and what do you know. Maybe someone in need read it and reached out for therapy too, despite the way it was laid out. People aren’t all stupid.»

«They are though.»

«All of them?»

«Every single one of them.»

«Even me?» Shelby is smiling, and Toni doesn’t look half as tense as she was before, Shelby forgetting every anticlimactic technique she learned during her formation, just for a silly joke.

«Especially you,» Toni replies with a roll of her eyes, and with that, Shelby knows she’s out of the “dangerous” territory.

Even if it didn’t feel like it, not at all.

Shelby helps her clean her mess up, the spilt drink and shattered glass, and Toni thanks her, because there’s no point in fighting. She’s learned by now that Shelby is just as stubborn as she is, if not more.

Shelby sits on the couch after that, and pats the spot next to her, «You know, since I’m here.»

So Toni sits, and lets Shelby hold her hand, drawing circles on the back with her thumb. Toni focuses on that, as it steadies her, and without Shelby’s prompt, she starts telling her about the locker room episode.

«I mean, I don’t give a fuck about what they think, but it’s bad for the team if they don’t respect one of their teammates. I’m already on thin ice with the coach, I really don’t want them to give him one more reason to kick me out.»

«Los Angeles Sparks have been keeping a close eye on you. If he kicks you out, you’ll have at least another contract to sign.»

Toni’s eyes flip to Shelby’s at that, «You follow the league?»

Shelby’s blinks at that, as if caught red-handed, before she chuckles and shakes her head, «I just heard it on the news.»

* * *

Toni leaves the team right after their last game of the season, as she tells Shelby a couple of days later, because it has become a stressful working environment and she can tell her teammates no longer trust her on court, making them losing many ranking positions.

Just like Shelby predicted, a couple of other teams’ presidents publicly state how they have their contracts ready for Toni for next season. Some of them go as far as answering the pressing questions about their take on paparazzi accident, and Shelby is pleased to read their maturity: _“I think a player that knows how to take care of themselves is just what we need in our team”_ and similar quotes are reported, all about positive environment for team building.

They go back to making progress, from their twelfth session on.

Shelby can tell Toni feels way better after leaving the team, and having now three months of vacation ahead before moving, she acts like she’s a child — which Shelby absolutely loves.

They play hockey with two brooms Toni found in her lumber-room, «Why do you have two?» and «I have no idea, I’m not even the one who cleans this house.»

It’s fun in the way Shelby has never played like that before, sports being exclusively a boy activity, and even if she tried to get back at it with bowling with Becca, it was never quite like this. This fun, this exciting, this exhausting — now Shelby comprehends how much stamina a wnba player needs.

Toni teaches Shelby a whole other side of physicality she was yet to discover: a side one can’t reach through cuddles or tender touches, but that is tickling and hunting down and catching and pushing, checking and being in each other’s space — intense just like Toni is, but impossibly _fun._

There’s just one person Shelby has had fun with, and for how much she cherishes her memory, the two can’t compare. Not when cycling next to Becca, or having her try to write with a black marker on her face feels just like a prelude to the intense playing Toni is throwing at her.

When they’re drenched in sweat, lying on the cold floor, all windows open in the breeze of the spring and Shelby’s cheeks hurt from smiling too much, Toni narrates her childhood in one quick brush, almost too quick for Shelby to catch.

«How come you’re not ticklish?!» Shelby asks her, as Toni is assaulting her once more, catching her with her guard down.

«When you live with twenty other kids you either adapt or die.» 

Shelby manages to catch her hands with her own, and she’s still laying down, Toni up on her knees, and for being such a weird position, it feels weirdly intimate. «You had _twenty siblings_?»

«Siblings is too much of a strong word. I’d call them “parasites” instead.»

Shelby bursts out laughing, partially from Toni’s surprise tickling attack, partially from how full her heart feels now, just like it used to feel back when her daddy would give her a piggyback ride, and the world seemed so pretty in her eyes.

The world starts to seem pretty again, not just by rational acknowledgement, but after many years, Shelby’s heart starts to get convinced too.

* * *

Toni has made enough money for her to retire and live little by little with it, taking a humble job, staying here in Minnesota, where she grew up.

She’s never given a second thought about leaving, now that nothing bounded her to this place, now that Martha was living in Wisconsin now and that both Bernice and her biological mother died.

Toni is a bit afraid to ask herself what is keeping her here now, because deep down she knows that the answer is one, and is loud, and is clear.

And it has pretty emerald eyes, a sweet smile and the most tender ways.

* * *

They reach their thirty-first cuddling-date by the time Toni has to leave. Shelby offers to drive her to the airport, and Toni calls her crazy for putting her through that much wasting of time, or boredom and conditioned air, but Shelby insists, and Toni eventually gives in.

They play little games, Shelby’s infamous icebreakers from when she was a teenager, from would you rather to the twenty-first questions games, sitting on the cold hard plastic seats of the airport.

«My turn. First crush,» is Shelby’s fourth or fifth question, and out here in public she can’t, but she feels a pull from within to play with Toni’s fingers, just like they did in her apartment.

«Like, crush or _crush_?»

«Both?»

«So you get one less question. Crush was my English teacher, fifth grade. _Crush_ was my first girlfriend, Regan.»

«You dated your first crush? That’s way too lucky.»

«Yours?»

«Crush?»

«The serious one.»

Shelby smiles bittersweetly at the thought, «Becca. She was my best friend.»

When Shelby lifts her eyes, she sees Toni’s surprised face, and Shelby chuckles, «What?» but Toni shakes her head, «Nothing. Uh, the best friend thing, it’s a classic.»

«Ever happened to you?»

«Nah. I’ve had one best friend, Marty, and she’s always been more like a sister to me.» 

Shelby might say something stupid as confessing to Toni that Toni herself might be Shelby’s best friend, now — or has the potential to be. Even if they don’t talk in depth about their darkest sides like she used to, with Becca, because with Toni it almost feels like there’s no need to.

* * *

Toni expected to miss Shelby, but not quite like _this_ , and not from the very flight.

And Shelby expected to miss Toni, that’s why they exchanged numbers right before she left, and that’s why she texts right as she gets to her own apartment, _“don’t text and drive!! be safe!! stay hydrated!! x”_

To which Toni responds, just a minute later, _“instructions unclear. im at the hospital for drowning and car accident”_

Texting and calling and face timing helps, and even more so when they set a schedule that doesn’t limit to the weekly hour they used to have.

Toni can’t quite sleep, the night she asks Shelby, via call, to tell her how much she should pay her, and Shelby answers, offended, that she’s calling as a friend and not as a cuddler, «because there’s no such thing as virtual cuddling, Toni.»

But, fuck, if that didn’t feel like a real hug to her.

* * *

The first time Toni has to play against her old team in their home court, she doesn’t tell Shelby yet, planning to make her a surprise, but apparently she follows the league now, and it’s Shelby herself who shows up to pick her up at the airport.

The reunion is something Toni has been looking forward to, daydreaming about it ever since she flew to LA, but it’s something else, something that feels both familiar and new, when Shelby hugs her with all the strength she possesses, (which is a lot, Toni won’t lie.)

And Shelby is smiling, smiling with lucid eyes and wrinkles at the side of her eyes, and not even Toni’s «How much for this one hug?» can make that smile falter.

«Let’s go, dumbass.»

«I booked a hotel room,» Toni tells her, when Shelby is driving Toni to her old apartment, that apparently is being rented to someone else.

«What? Well, cancel it, you’re staying at my place,» Shelby just answers, because there’s no way they’re wasting unnecessary time just to waste money too.

«Are you sure? Don’t you have like, flatmates?»

«Use to, but cuddling pays well enough.»

«Tell me about it,» Toni rolls her eyes, but there’s a smirk on her face, and Shelby has the sudden flash of thought to kiss it away.

Shelby’s apartment is not half bad, with its everything in one open space, that feels cosy, instead of crowded.

Shelby gives her a little tour, ironically enough, with a «Here’s everything, there’s the bathroom, and that one is the bedroom,» a little spin and excited eyes. Toni wonders how do they fit, when Shelby has friends over — because Shelby is the exact archetype of the popular girl.

Shelby is also an excellent cook too, because she «Used to help my mom on Saturdays,» and that’s the first time they eat together. Toni offers to wash the dishes, and because Shelby has always things her way, she ends up just rinsing what Shelby scrubs.

It feels so damn easy, easy in the way Toni feels when she’s alone, easy in the way Shelby has seen her on the verge of a mental breakdown more than once now, so she doesn’t have to perform around her. And because of that ease, Toni says it, later that night: «You’re pretty cool, Shelby.»

«Because I let you crash at my place?»

«Because you’re my friend,» Toni says it with that very ease, because it’s a truth — she’s not asking Shelby to be her friend as well, she’s just stating how she feels towards her. And it might be pathetic, it might be too soon, but they’ve been seeing each other for almost a year now, non-professionally for three months, and Shelby said it first, anyways, with that “calling as a friend” point, earlier that summer.

Shelby stops with the broom still in hand, the little pile of dust and crumbs ready to be thrown away, and she smiles sweetly at Toni, sweetly and fondly and with a hint of surprise. «You’re pretty cool too,» Shelby says, and it looks as if she’s trying to play it cool, «And not just because you’re my friend. I thought it before, too.»

«You did?»

Shelby shrugs, and Toni doesn’t know why that little piece of information makes her feel on cloud nine, as if Shelby’s perception of her was something Toni was valuing that much, now. But they are friends, _now_ , explicit friends, and it’s only natural.

«I thought you were a petty white republican, if you’re interested.»

«Well, I didn’t know I was, why the hell did you think that?»

Toni shrugs, «The look and the excessive optimism, probably. It only comes from privilege,» Toni says, before thinking of Martha, and realizing how wrong she just was.

«Well, I’m not a republican,» Shelby clarifies, «“If you’re interested”.»

«I wouldn’t be friends with you otherwise,» Toni might be abusing the term now, but it’s so good to say it out loud, to have concrete confirmation that they might still hang out, even after their deal will be over, whenever that will be.

Toni has a half idea to inquire about that, because as much as she still thinks it doesn’t help much, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t at least like it — despite everything. A weird mixture of comfort and discomfort, coming from very different places, crashing and making it harder to distinguish if it was worth it or not, all blurred lines and that good kind of tension.

But as she formulates the sentence in her head, she’s looking around to have something to distract her with, a deck of cards, a pen — «You read Sports Illustrated?»

Shelby looks somewhere between embarrassed and looking for an excuse, eyebrows raised, lips parted and the lightest shade of red on her cheeks, «Actually, uh, there’s a fun story behind that, if you have a good chunk of time-»

«It’s cool, you’re talking to a basketball player. It only makes you cooler if anything.»

Shelby carries on with her little cleaning tasks post-dinner, for which she has fought because Toni was a guest, brushing the topic off with a little taste of urgency. Toni wonders why being into sports would be something to be embarrassed about, and the best options she comes up with are either that sports aren’t perceived as something ladylike, or that Shelby was the one who says that basketball is just running around and throwing a ball in a basket.

But Toni sticks to it, as she flips the pages of the magazine between her hands, eyes moving from the pictures — some of them of her own team, in which there’s herself too — and Shelby: it does make her cooler.

It’s the classic trope, so cliché that Shelby feels almost unaffected by it — almost — but it shouldn’t be a trope at all, and she _should_ feel totally unaffected, because Toni and her are just friends. They actually have only officially been friends for a couple of hours now, ever since dinner, to be precise.

So Shelby goes for the good host charade and offers to sleep on the couch, then Toni says that it’s cool, she’s slept everywhere in the past, and they fight for that courtesy a bit more, Shelby knows she shouldn’t be hoping for it. She really should not. But perhaps it’s her professional deformation of being a cuddler, her need of contact she’s projecting onto Toni, the fact that she’s more excited than she’d like to admit that she finally has a person that she can call her friend, after so many years, now — and a person she really, really likes, of all people. Perhaps it’s looking for a way to show her gratitude, perhaps it’s her subconscious telling her she misses their cuddling sessions. Perhaps it’s all that and much more, but when Shelby suggests that they both sleep on the bed, she hopes Toni won’t be difficult.

«I mean, it’s not like we’ve never cuddled before,» Shelby jokes, swinging a bit on her feet, hands clasped together, hoping her joke won’t fall flat.

But Toni eyes her with curiosity, «If it’s not a problem for you, then sure.»

The evening routine, from brushing their teeth, to put their pyjamas on, feels oddly domestic, oddly comforting, and oddly _fun_. Because Toni manages to spill the foam the toothpaste produces on her shirt, and she mocks Shelby for her pastel pink nightie, for which Shelby has a weak reply for Toni’s old basketball — of course — loose t-shirt. It’s fun even if those are the exact same actions Shelby has been doing for the past six years, so the difference must be laying in whom she’s doing them with.

«About the sessions…» Toni asks, the bathroom door between them, as Shelby is sitting on the toilet, waiting for her stimuli to pee to come, because she doesn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night for that.

She can tell Toni has been thinking about that, so she prompts: «What about them?»

«I mean, now that we’re friends,» Shelby smiles at the way Toni has kept repeating that for the past couple of hours, in a joking way, even if Shelby can tell she means it, «It’s weird if we keep doing those, right?»

«It’s only weird if you make it weird.»

It’s easier said than done, and the simple getting in bed with Shelby, under the covers, is already weird. It feels intimate in a way Toni knows it shouldn’t, intimate in the way lovers get to bed, with that much eye contact and sweet expressions. Loving expressions. As if Shelby was sugarcoating the ugly truth of that being the first time Toni has been in that position, ever since she lived with Regan, and used her dad’s shampoo.

«So, about those sessions,» Shelby repeats, with a devilish grin, and Toni feels like she’s a little lamb, ready to be sacrificed to whatever demon Shelby is impersonating right now. The demon of cuddles, perhaps.

«You make night shifts now?» Toni asks, and feels proud at how Shelby tries to fight off a smile for that.

«I could make an exception for a friend.»

«It’s cool.»

«But is it?»

Toni frowns, «What do you mean?»

Shelby shifts under the covers, to get closer to her, on her side and mirroring Toni’s position, so that they’re an inch to be nose-to-nose. It feels like it did back when Toni had sleepovers at Martha’s place, way before she started living with them, and they used to share whispered secrets.

«I mean, you came to me under your doctor’s prescription. It’s not like you can just stop doing what he told you to because you befriended the cuddler.»

«It’d be a dope name for a thriller with, like, dogs. Befriend the cuddler. Before it’s too late.»

« _Toni._ »

Toni sighs, as this time jokes won’t get her out of her responsibilities — they never do, with Shelby. «Cuddling isn’t even scientifically proven to work.»

«Except it is.»

«Really?»

«Want me to Harvard reference right now?»

«It’s your job, shouldn’t you know them by heart?»

«I know the science behind it, not the scientists who discovered it.»

«I guess it’s biology night class with teacher Shelby then.»

«It’s two levels, hormonal and psychological. Your brain recognizes that the physical stimulation, the warmth and the pressure aren’t random, because of visual signals and the smell of another person, and tells the pituitary gland to release oxytocins that make you feel good.»

«I wasn’t actually expecting a lecture, but thanks, it’s pretty cool.»

«Am I professional or not?»

Shelby’s dorkiness makes Toni roll her eyes, but she has to admit, even if it’s because Toni has never been that good at school, she does sound prepared.

«So, that said, you’re continuing with the session. The only thing that changes, now that we’re friend, is that you don’t have to pay me-»

«Ugh, Shelby, don’t start again.»

«I’m just saying, I’m not expecting you to. I’d cuddle you anyway, therapy or not. And there’s no time limit, that is.»

«So I just signed for an endless cuddle trap with this friendship?»

«Pretty much, yes.»

«Thank god I live four hours away.»

Shelby knows it’s soon — again, just a few hours that they’ve officially been friends — but there’s nothing that is keeping Shelby here, and the only actual connection she has here is with Toni, so it would only make sense to take her mobile business and go live closer to her.

But again, it’s quite soon, so Shelby sets the thought aside for later.

She has more important matters to attend to, that is complying with her duties. She knows it has to be gradual, so she takes Toni’s hand first, as they keep talking. They fall back on the friendship business, and Shelby learns about Martha, about foster caring, about Regan. Shelby is so at ease right now, in this little timeless bubble, where everything feels hanging in the air, and what they’re doing feels like the most important thing of Shelby’s life. So she tells her about Becca, about her family, about pageant contests, about Andrew and the church and her sinful desires.

«Do you still… Believe in God? Think like that?» Toni asks, with a thread of voice, and she sounds as if she got lost in a spell, of the fairy tale Shelby has been narrating.

That is not an easy question, but Shelby has had that conversation with herself so many times that her answer sounds easy enough, «I believe that there’s a soul, and that there’s an afterlife. I stopped believing in organized religion, and in that rigid view of sins.» Or at least, that’s the easy way to put it. Because Shelby still believes that there’s a right way to live one’s life, and a wrong one, but the wrongness of one’s actions can’t be found in referencing them to arbitrary categories, but rather in one’s conscience and aims. It’s such a narrow view to see life as a cluster of acts one has to comply, and another one that one has to avoid: it takes responsibility away from humans — and Shelby has even stronger opinions on the gatekeeping of acts of love.

What Shelby feared the most, when she ran away from home at nineteen, were his dad’s preaches: that she’d be alone, living that kind of life. Perhaps that was part of the reason why Shelby chose solitude: not to give in to temptations and end up alone. But that was just a stupid way of thinking, a self-fulfilling prophecy, that was crumbling before her eyes, now that there was one person in Shelby’s life — now that one person managed to get in, perhaps the only person that didn’t try so hard.

Realizing that, sharing hers and listening to Toni’s past traumas, holding and her being held back, drifted Shelby to the sweetest of sleeps, that night.

* * *

It’s all fun and games — it literally is — until Shelby has an appointment the next morning, and Toni is waiting for her in her car, outside her client’s house, scrolling on her phone. And it’s silly, it’s something Toni has no business feeling, but the idea that Shelby is holding someone else the same way she’s been holding all night — waking up next to her, still snuggled against her, with Shelby’s lazy grin on her lips has bought Toni at least ten years of life — that feeling looks dangerously close to jealousy. And Toni is not, by any means, and never has been, the jealous type.

And, yeah, that’s a big fat lie. She’s been jealous of Martha her whole life, sure, but Martha is Martha, and her bond with Shelby isn’t supposed to be nearly as close as theirs.

So why is it such a relief, when Shelby walks out of the condo’s door, her frame in her long coat, crosses the street, and comes back to her?

«You’re tense, Toni. Anxious for the big game?» Shelby asks her, a couple of hours later, as Toni is still trying to figure out why the hell she felt like her whole core shook, seeing Shelby disappear in that building. Toni knew what that feeling tasted like, and it tasted like a forbidden memory, one made of blurry eyes, a backpack, and shattered pieces of glass at her feet.

So now they’re lounging on Shelby’s couch, Shelby reading a novel — a romance novel, of course, — and Toni one of those awful self-help books Dr Faber recommended, and Toni is _still_ thinking about it.

«Nah, it’s gonna be a piece of cake. I know that team better than my current one,» and it’s true, they’re gonna win easily, as they have their tactics down from the inside, with Toni’s knowledge.

Shelby dog-ears her page, then dog-ears Toni’s too, takes both books and places them on a free spot on the couch, «Then what is it?» She asks, with the nonchalance one would have if they were not scooting closer for an unrequited cuddling session.

«What is what?»

«Making you… like this. Can I help?»

«I guess it might be the game.»

«But you just said it wasn’t.»

«Well maybe it is, alright?»

Toni doesn’t know why she’s feeling so attacked, and even less, what is the sick twisted reason she doesn’t mind being in that position. She’s used to being driven away when she gets like that, as people don’t generally want to get their hands dirty with Toni’s mood troubles — hell, Toni wouldn’t do that for someone else, probably, if that someone wasn’t Martha. But Toni has this confusion now, and it’s sudden and it’s strong, and because it’s directed towards Shelby, being this closed and being taken care of by her gets things worse and better all at once.

Shelby would like to ask Toni what she’s thinking, why this morning she was so upbeat and cheerful, despite trying so hard to keep that grumpy facade, and why now she got so blue. But Shelby also knows that Toni values her privacy very much, so Shelby doesn’t press it, and asks instead: «Can I touch you?»

Another thing Shelby has picked up, is how Toni jokes, when she might be feeling cornered, or confused, so it’s no surprise her: «Thought “that” wasn’t on the menu.»

Shelby rolls her eyes, but it’s hard not to smile when Toni speaks like that, like they’re old friends and they’re meant to be in each other’s life, for the rest of it.

«You know what I meant,» Shelby answers, and once the reaction to Toni’s antics is gone, something else lingers. Because Toni is a professional athlete, and has the body appropriate for that job, and Shelby has found out about it a little bit, the past night, pressing hers against Toni’s, with just two layers of thin cotton to separate them. So when Toni suggests something sex-related, Shelby can’t stop her imagination to go there. Because Toni is also the first person Shelby has trusted in a long time, a person she finds ridiculously attractive, a person she has a deep connection with and, well, chemistry. But on top of all, a friend. And much like with Becca, that seems to be the prerequisite for Shelby’s body to _react_ like that.

So they cuddle, Toni’s mind in some dark place, and Shelby’s, feeling guilty enough for that, something way lighter. Perhaps something red.

* * *

The game is on the third night, and Toni is meant to take the aeroplane in the morning. She knows her split mind, a spot always reserved for Shelby, has made her a greater player, for some reason. But tonight, under the shiny lights of the stands there’s Shelby somewhere, who had bought a ticket already, for which Toni has been surprised. There’s Shelby watching her, and perhaps she’s watched her before, because apparently Shelby is a fan now.

So Toni is pumped as ever, and as soon as the game starts, she’s running and passing and interjecting and scoring three-pointers. Toni knows she isn’t the strongest player in the league by any means, but playing against a team she knows so well, against which she naturally has the upper hand, makes her feel as if she was.

And, man, if it doesn’t feel good. Even if Toni has never been obsessed with winning, content with playing and making a good performance.

When Toni looks at the stands, and doesn’t see a thing, but knows that Shelby is standing there, probably cheering, probably shouting Toni’s names amongst millions.

Playing for someone — _that_ is what feels so good.

* * *

«What is your opinion on the wnba gender gap salary with the male league?» Is one of the questions Toni’s captain gets asked, as soon as they win with a 97 to 78 points.

Toni doesn’t know how much a nba player gets paid, doesn’t care that much honestly, but she still finds herself asking Shelby what she thinks about it, once she gets in her car, driving to their apartment. Well, to _Shelby’s_.

«What do you think of the gender gap salary between the wnba and the nba?»

Shelby smiles, «What do _you_ think? You’re the one in it.»

«I asked you first,» and Toni can hear _“I asked you second”_ with The Most Popular Girls’ voices.

But Shelby actually replies instead: «Well, it’s not as if someone was willingly paying wnba players less. Players get paid based on how much the league is watched, and because the wnba has less views, then it has overall less money to pay their players with. Besides, six wnba followers out of ten are men.»

Shelby is weirdly informed on the topic, and so far the argument is sound, but «Why does it have so little following?»

«Athletes are just entertainers, and contact sports are watched for its high levels of competitiveness. A wnba game is significantly less “violent” than a nba game.»

«I guess it is.»

«It makes sense, biologically speaking. Testosterone and the amygdala and all that,» Shelby eyes Toni, as they’re at a red light, and Toni is just wrapping her mind around the fact that there is something she can’t be the best at, just because of a body she found herself with. She doesn’t wish to be a man, never had, but her life would have overall been easier, that way. From when she got into fights, to her career.

«But that is precisely why I like wnba best,» Shelby speaks again, catching Toni’s attention.

«Because it’s more boring?»

«Because it’s more strategic. Players seem to have the fundamentals more solid, better technique, playing less solo. It’s closer to soccer, in a sense.»

Toni smiles, «That’s a pretty way to put it.»

«But I’m serious, Toni. A bunch of dudes pushing each other with their veins popping out their necks is something one might like, but it doesn’t mean that’s the right way to do it. One has to rethink things, every once in a while, and women are here just for that.»

Shelby offers her one of her charming smiles, and Toni senses how contagious it is, the moment she’s smiling back.

«I really liked today’s game. You were great.»

«Now you’re just being a charmer,» but Toni is flattered, even if she looks out of the window of the car, a bit overwhelmed. The lampposts pass by them quickly, and their shadows look like they’re holding hands, in a certain way that has Toni feeling a deep, but pleasant ache in her chest.

She looks back at Shelby, who’s humming to some country song she has on cd, going on in the background.

And Toni feels good, so very good, in a whole new different way than just an hour ago. A calm and filling kind of good. A peace of senses. The feeling that the idea of no longer being able to play, sooner or later, doesn’t scare her as much anymore.

But the alternatives are still those two: if she’s not living for her job, then she must be living for _that other thing_.

And the only thing that has changed, is Shelby.

Does it mean- it really can’t, but what if- no, it can’t. Because they’ve officially been friends for three days, now, even if formalities don’t mean a thing, and Toni has felt for Shelby this weird kind of energy, unprecedented if not for once, for almost a year now.

But no, it cannot be.

(Because if Shelby was to reject her, now that Toni has emotionally let go of that obsessive bond with her profession — what then? When she truly won’t be living for her job and neither for her love, what then?)

* * *

So, the game has been hot, Shelby is not gonna lie. Well, not the game: Shelby does not have a thing for abstract concepts of rules and points. _Toni_ has been hot. And Shelby had booked that ticket many months ago, her very first ticket, reserving a seat she could have a clear view of the court from, even without the big screens and their close-ups. Which did help, anyway.

Shelby doesn’t know what it is, and didn’t think she was a fan of athletes, not when the first image that came to mind was Andrew and his friends.

Perhaps it’s the fact that Toni looked so single-minded, so focused, with sweat dripping from her forehead, muscles ready to jump where needed. Perhaps it’s the fact that Shelby has seen her sweat like that back when they were wrestling and tickling and hockey playing with two brooms in Toni’s apartment years ago. Perhaps it’s the fact that she felt those muscles tense under her touch, from that very first time she hugged her, the tension one who needs to be held but has made up their mind that they cannot, for whatever reason, naturally has.

So perhaps it’s just the fact that it was Toni, her Toni — her _friend_ Toni, whom Shelby wouldn’t mind slamming against the wall and fuck, right here, right now.

And, yeah, that’s a bit excessive. So Shelby smiles politely, with the same tight-lipped smile she gives to old people on the elevator, as they both take their shoes off in the entrance of their apartment. (Shelby’s apartment, and things are getting out of hand in her own mind now.)

And Shelby smiles even when they’re brushing their teeth, and Toni looks understandably tired, rubbing her knuckles against one eye just like kids do. She smiles, but only to herself, when they get changed too, and Shelby catches a glimpse of Toni’s body.

But there’s nothing to smile about, as they’re laying in the bed, and Shelby is wide awake, with Toni’s torso under her arm — because of her hot skin under Shelby’s hand, as her shirt rolls up with her movements, or because of Toni’s sighs in her sleep, Shelby feels it: low and throbbing and demanding of attention.

But she tries to distract herself, thinking about the aeroplane that Toni needs to take tomorrow, about the months of distance before the next time they’ll see each other again, about how wrong it’d feel using Toni — sweet, precious, soft Toni — for Shelby’s dirty thoughts.

Shelby is sure God gifted her with Toni, with the best person she could ask for. So she really doesn’t want to mess it up.

Toni has a hard time sleeping, that third night. She guesses it’s because she’s still excited for the game her team just won, but it’s Shelby’s hand on her very skin what’s catching all her attention. And Shelby is breathing like awoken people do, fast and irregular, as if forcing herself to keep quiet.

So Toni rolls on her side, cracking her eyes open, to see Shelby looking back at her, in the moonlight. Shelby asks: «Did I wake you?» and Toni shakes her head, because she’s been like that for a while now, her thoughts spinning.

Toni’s heart races, just to be here, in this little nest, as if nothing outside mattered.

And it beats even faster when Shelby tells her, in a whisper: «Those three days- you know, Toni, I’ve never had fun like that. They’re the best I’ve ever had,» with a kind of honesty that not even the darkness of the night can corrupt — and Toni feels the same way. And she’d change “fun” to something deeper, something more intimate. She’s never felt _loved_ like that, that’s what Toni would like to tell her.

But she says instead: «Same,» and hopes that her smile will tell Shelby what her cowardy kept from her.

* * *

Shelby looks a bit weird in her acting the next morning, and Toni blames it on the fact that they’re not going to see each other for another couple of months. She feels the same way, honestly: anticipating that feeling of missing Shelby, from the littlest things, how the digital sound of her voice can’t quite catch the fullness of her laugh, to the light and casual and frequent touches. Shelby is a touchy person, from the touches on her arm as she speaks, to the ones on her knee when they have to stand up, to squeezes on her shoulders and hands holding walking down the street. Very appropriate for her job, and Toni found herself getting accustomed to it — _liking_ it.

And the months that follow are even worse than the previous ones, because now Toni knows how it feels being held by Shelby in the night, when she might wake up and feel disoriented, only for Shelby’s peaceful and sleepy expression to ground her back to sleep. Or because now Toni knows how it feels waking up next to her, and chill on the bed for a couple of minutes, just being lazy, smiling at each other. Or because now Toni knows how it feels going to bed together, getting ready and slipping under the covers, feeling that good kind of tension, that stupid hope that Shelby might cup her cheeks and kiss her.

Stupid, indeed.

Or because Toni knows how good it feels waiting for Shelby while she works, despite the senseless spikes of jealousy, or how good it feels to have Shelby waiting for her, smiling a hundred-watt smile after her games, showering her with compliments. It really just comes down to how good it feels to just exist in Shelby’s same space, with the easiness and the jokes and that deep affection that for some reason Toni can’t quite explain, now she feels for the girl.

The months pass by, because despite the tumultuous universe that goes on in Toni’s heart, time still passes by, careless of what one might feel, merciful for the wait.

Toni promised to spend Christmas with Martha, as they always have, and when she tells Shelby as much over the phone, Shelby shyly asks her to tag along, and Toni tells her she already counted on that.

* * *

Martha is a pet-sitter, used to live in Minnesota, grew up with Toni, is dating a man named Alex and recently broke up with another one called Marcus. She’s also full of embarrassing stories about Toni, and that’s what Shelby learns about her, sitting in Martha’s kitchen with a cup of Pulque in her hands, as the two of them are waiting for Toni to arrive.

It seemed more logical for Shelby to just go to Martha’s place on her own, instead of forcing Toni to stop in Minnesota just to pick her up, despite how much Toni insisted. Shelby wouldn’t have minded spending extra time with her, especially since it was four months now since the last time she saw her, but she wouldn’t go after that selfish desire at Toni’s expenses.

Besides, having half a day to meet Martha Blackburn in this unaltered way, just the two of them and Martha’s bubbly and friendly personality, was something Shelby didn’t know she needed.

«I can see how someone like you cut through Toni’s shell,» She comments indeed, at some point during their long and polyhedric conversation.

«I was just going to say the same thing about you. You know, after the first session you two had, Toni called me and she was furious,» Martha starts narrating, and if she didn’t have it before, now she surely has all Shelby’s attention, «She said you were a republican, a colonizer, and probably a supporter of the “super straights”.»

Shelby frowns, «The what now?»

«It doesn’t matter, here, take some more,» Martha barely warns her as she pours some more of the white drink, which Shelby is pretty sure is alcoholic, even if it’s just eleven in the morning.

* * *

Toni knocks on Martha’s door, impatient to take her into a tight hug like she always does when they reunite — but it’s Shelby the one who opens, as «Martha’s hands are sticky, we’re making vegan pancakes.»

Toni frowns, «For dinner?»

Shelby nods and holds her own hands in air, as if proving that she’s been helping too. Then she takes a step back to let Toni in, and as Toni redirects to go to the kitchen, she gets Toni in a hands-free hug, chin on her shoulder and nose brushing against her neck. «You thought you were comin’ in without saying hi?»

Toni chuckles, and she feels like exploding from within, at how much she missed everything. Shelby’s voice, her way of acting, the freedom with whom she casually touches her, her smell, the way she’s been making with her best friend — even the fucking ugly apron Martha probably coerced her into wearing, with “ _save the animals_ ” written across it.

When Shelby lets go of her, she looks at her fondly, and Toni has the urge to lean forward and press their lips together. But she smiles instead, and goes to the kitchen, before she does something stupid.

«Hey Marty! Long time no see bitch,» Toni drops her backpack, and Martha rushes to hug her, sticky hands and all.

«Toni I missed you _so_ much!»

«So you can’t touch the doorknob with your filthy hands but my sweater is fine?»

«Ugh Shelby is so much more fun than you are.»

«I’ll leave you two privacy then, I’m gonna hit the shower.»

* * *

As the water hits her skin, Toni thinks about it. This is the second time she’s thought about kissing Shelby. Not exactly “thought”, that wasn’t something she actively wanted nor wanted to pursue — it came onto her, as a reflex or a deep unconscious desire. Shelby was good-looking, hell, she was great-looking, Toni’d say the greatest-looking, but Toni didn’t feel like kissing every pretty girl she saw. Maybe she didn’t know how to express her friendly, platonic affection, and her mind crafted a friendly, platonic desire of kissing her? Was that even a thing? She surely doesn’t want to kiss her Marty, but she is more than a friend, she’s a sister to her.

So what if she finds Shelby hot? She’s not blind. The problem lies deeper: the kisses Toni wanted to give her happened in domestic contexts, and her fantasies were just as domestic, just soft and mushy. Because Shelby was this bubbly cheerful and sweet person, and even if she was good-looking, she sort of carried it in an almost childish way, in a way that kind of reminded her of Marty. So Toni was glad that her mind wasn’t crafting anything more dangerous than innocent, platonic, friendly kissing.

* * *

Shelby wasn’t kidding, and they eat pancakes for dinner, as Martha roasts Toni in a manner that makes Toni think she’s been doing that for the whole afternoon, from how Shelby reacts as if she was expecting just as much.

«Or this other time, where Toni actually threw her piss-»

«And I’m _proud_ of it.»

So Martha starts explaining that, weirdly depicting Toni in a strong and cool light — to all of which Shelby listens to with impressed looks.

«Who would have thought you had such a bad side, Shalifoe?»

And Toni smiles, cockily so, but she feels so damn grateful for Martha.

* * *

Toni helps Martha clear the table and wash the dishes, sending Shelby to chill and take a shower or whatever, as she’s a guest. It’s in this moment of privacy that Toni finds out the reason for Martha’s sudden declared admiration for her — fake just as Toni suspected.

«So, I take it that cuddling went well enough,» Martha starts the very moment Shelby leaves the kitchen, as if she’s been holding that for the whole evening.

Toni huffs a laugh, «I don’t know what you’re talking about.» 

«I know that look Toni, you like her. You _like-like_ her.»

«That’s why you were playing matchmaker before?»

«Yup, you know I’m your best wing woman.»

«You’re my only wing woman.»

«I’d still be the best anyway.»

Toni just smiles, because, well, she missed her best friend. With her dorkiness and her optimism and constant trying to help.

«And, if you ask me, Shelby likes-likes you back.»

«Marty-»

«I mean, I could leave you two the bed and sleep on the couch myself if it’s for a greater good. Just, change the sheets afterwards.»

« _Marty!_ »

(They end up sleeping on the bed, all three of them — with Martha in the middle, just in case.)

* * *

Shelby asked Toni what she should get Martha for Christmas, a month prior to their little holiday, but Toni told her that they didn’t celebrate Christmas, so she didn’t need to bother — and so Shelby didn’t take them anything, in fear of disrespecting them.

Toni still insists on accompanying her to church on Christmas Eve, for the vigil, as Martha goes to spend it with Alex at his place.

«Thought you didn’t celebrate Christmas,» Shelby points out, as they walk to the local church, their boots leaving tracks in the snow, Toni’s nose red, too stubborn to wear a scarf.

«I don’t.»

«Then why are you coming to mess?»

«Because you’re going,» Toni doesn’t even look at her when she says that, simple as a matter of fact, but Shelby reads between the lines. It’s closer to a “because you shouldn’t be alone”, or “I don’t want you to be alone”, and it’s partially sad, partially heart-warming — as Shelby has attended mass on her own ever since she left Texas, and almost got used to the loneliness.

Even if Toni didn’t explicitly say any of that, Shelby still wants to respond that «I wouldn’t be alone. There’s God waiting,» and Shelby believes it.

Under the colourful lights that are hanging from one lamppost to the next, making a pretty roof on their heads, Christmas carols and children running amongst them — then Toni looks at her, and all the atmosphere frames her in a way that leaves Shelby a bit breathless. She looks at her so earnestly, with those deep dark eyes, as if Shelby said something so mysterious, something so interesting, or if Shelby herself was interesting, in Toni’s eyes.

God, Shelby hopes she is.

Toni doesn’t leave that serious gaze, not even when she says: «I don’t understand it, but maybe he is.»

Shelby doesn’t know what that means, as Toni is an atheist, but she nods, as no words occur to her.

And attending service next to Toni, that’s something else entirely. Her little whispered questions, as to why they have to repeat certain things, stand up now, sit down next, why there’s a guy walking around collecting money, why do the people on the chorus are singing even if they’re so out of tune — it makes mass feel like home too.

Even if that was the place Shelby kept going, over the years, to hold on where she thought she’d feel at home. Memories from Texas, from where she used to believe in that kind of God, and not in the disenchanted, pantheistic, personal one she believes in. Shelby’s God doesn’t need a service to talk to her, but Shelby still goes there, thinking she might trick her brain into thinking she could still reach out to her family, someday. That she would no longer be alone. That she’d be fine, _if_ they were right.

The hard truth was that churches were always so big, so impersonal, so deadly, that never quite let Shelby achieve any of that.

But now, next to a very curious Toni, looking through the eyes of a child, pointing as discreetly as possible at things Shelby became numb to, prompting her to laugh behind her hands? That felt like home.

So, maybe, just _maybe_ , Toni felt like home.

«Did you meet your sky daddy?» Toni asks her, on their way home. Well, to Martha’s home.

Shelby laughs, «Did I meet who now?»

«Uh, god?»

Shelby shoves her lightly, «Did you?»

«Yeah, he was the guy on the third one, the one with the floral jacket. What a fashion icon right? I wish I was half as bold as him.»

* * *

It’s the last night they’re spending in Wisconsin, and Toni has had that little thing in her pocket ever since that phone call with Shelby, a month ago.

So when Martha is making her daily call with Alex — honestly, she should have just let him come over, so she wouldn’t be constantly half here and half there — that’s when Toni decides to do it.

Shelby is on the bed, another one of her romance novels in her hands, laying on her stomach, her legs swinging behind her. It’s kind of cute, seeing how lost she can get in a story.

«Shelby,» Toni starts, and clears her throat, self-conscious. Shelby mouths a «Mh?» in a casual tone, as if Toni was just about to ask her if she needed to use the bathroom or something. So Toni just places the little box on the pillow next to her and mutters a «I’m going to see if Martha needs anything,» as the worst excuse to get her out of the situation.

But Martha doesn’t need any help, as she’s in the living room, walking miles with her phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder — so Toni just stays in the hallway, like a fucking child.

It was nothing, really, but Toni has had that thought stuck in her mind ever since, and when she walked into that thrift shop, weeks ago. She was just gonna take the prettiest one, but the shop assistant started explaining all the little meanings, so Toni went for the most fitting.

When Shelby walks out of the bedroom, almost making Toni fall as she was leaning on the door, she’s wearing the carnelian stone, hanging from her neck, caressing it.

Toni launches herself in the explanation, «Because I saw that you wore the cross one, and the guy said it symbolized making peace with the past or something like that, so. Yeah.»

«Toni,» Shelby says, almost in a commanding voice, that makes Toni lift her eyes to meet her hazel ones. «I love it.»

Toni nods, Shelby’s deep and raw and honest gaze makes her look naked, so she doesn’t say anything, just in case.

«Can I get a hug?»

Toni smiles, but lets her, and dwells on the feeling. And as her muscles relax against her, she wishes Martha would stay on the phone all night. 

* * *

Having Shelby and Martha interacting was something Toni didn’t know she needed. She might have felt slightly jealous, but as soon as Martha started playing matchmaker, Toni felt reassured by her understanding. And if Toni never bothered to correct her, it doesn’t mean much.

On the plane back to L.A. Toni feels her usual chest at getting away from both of them — well, she learned to get used to it with Marty, as knowing she was safe and happy was enough for her. But with Shelby, there was something selfish, strong and invisible telling her it wasn’t enough, if Shelby was safe and happy. She wanted Shelby to be safe and happy close to her, she wanted to be with her, exist in the same space, interact with her. Being looked at by her, being liked by her.

Toni got this sudden feeling, as she thought back at Martha’s words, _“if you ask me, Shelby likes-likes you back,”_ — what if she doesn’t? What does Shelby think of her, exactly? Because just as it felt good being talked highly of by Martha, in front of Shelby, it just feels as bad thinking that maybe Shelby doesn’t see her the way Toni does. As Shelby is this strong, independent woman, and ever since Shelby trusted her with her story, Toni has thought very highly of her. So what does Shelby think? All Toni knows is that Shelby thinks she’s a good player, but Toni doesn’t give a flying fuck about that.

* * *

It’s nearly March when Shelby finally finds it ridiculous to the point she has to take action.

So, gathering all her courage, she calls Toni first: «I was thinking that I need a change of environment. I’m moving to L.A, what do you think?»

«Are you serious? Is this a prank? Shelby, I swear to god, if you’re kidding me-»

«I’m not. Are you- are you cool with it?»

«Cool? I can’t fucking wait!»

Shelby changes her work placement next, warns her local clients, pays the last of her renting instalments and by April, she’s on that plane.

Shelby has only moved like that once before, and on that train, all she felt was fear for the unknown future that was waiting for her. Now Shelby feels _alive_ , in the very same way it felt when she was playing hockey in Toni’s apartment, when she was listening to Toni’s stories in her bed, when they were making puzzles, when they were baking with Martha.

So Shelby doesn’t decline when Toni offers her own apartment to crash «as long as you need,» because being close to Toni was the very reason she needed that change.

* * *

Even before Toni opens the door of her apartment Shelby knows it’s going to be just as expensive as the last one.

But when Toni opens it, the interior really isn’t the first thing Shelby notices, as she launches herself to hug Toni, her bags abandoned on the floor behind her.

Toni is tentative at first, like she always is, but she holds Shelby back, and Shelby just lingers in her touch, laughing for absolutely no reason, wondering if this is what it feels to be where you’re supposed to.

When there’s space between them, Toni is clearly fighting off a smile, looking just as excited as Shelby feels.

* * *

Shelby chose precisely that late-March day to fly because it’s the day before Toni’s birthday, information she got from Martha, and she’s waiting for midnight to come to give her her present.

Toni doesn’t mind, as she stays up late, chatting between the sheets, the low light of the moon not really requiring them to turn the light on and break the mood.

«Aren’t you tired?» Toni asks her at some point, probably hinting at the fact that Shelby took a plane that same day.

Shelby checks the time, and it’s seven to midnight, so she might as well give it to her now.

She reaches for under the bed, where she slipped the little box earlier, hoping Toni’s cleaning person has taken care of the dust here recently.

«You really didn’t have to,» Toni starts, but she accepts it, turns the light on, and Shelby starts explaining: «It took me forever to find it, and the main reason was that we’d be matching,» that isn’t true, the main reason was to have a mean to tell Toni how much she valued her presence in her life.

When Toni takes the necklace off its case, Shelby explains how that is a muscovite gemstone, and it’s meant to help with anger and negative energy.

«Do you actually believe in it?» Toni asks, and Shelby shrugs, «I told you: I wanted us to match.»

Toni laughs, «Alright Giorgio Armani,» but she puts it away, turns the lights off, and that one time, it’s Toni who initiates contact.

And as they hold each other, after months apart, Shelby feels Toni’s hot breath against her shirt, «I loved it, Shelby,» — and with that, Shelby is glad she did one good thing, as her heart screams to never let go.

* * *

They fall into a sort of routine soon enough: Toni trains every single day, twice a day, but there’s compulsory rest in between, so Shelby moves her availability window to those same hours, so that they’ll both be busy at the same time.

It’s good because Toni doesn’t get the time to be stupidly jealous with absolutely no right to be, and it’s good because when Toni finishes, sometimes she gets to pick Shelby up, sometimes she gets picked up.

The fall into a routine that is no rigid by any means, as they’re living together, going to the park together, having picnics and dates at the fair, on bumper cars and ferris wheels — which are not dates, but Shelby holds on to her arm, and they try to win those stupid stuffed animals, and when they get into bed, Shelby sighs happily and kisses her cheek.

(In this little routine, Toni wears her necklace under her shirt every single day, and sometimes she catches a glimpse of Shelby’s, and it’s a little thing, but it makes her feel even closer to her. As if they had a secret special connection, no one could see, no one could imitate.)

And the media speculates, but Toni doesn’t care, and nor does Shelby, apparently.

«Does it bother you?» Toni asks her, in fact, a couple of weeks later — as they’re sending bread crumbs into the lake to feed the ducks.

«You always omit subjects. Did you flunk third grade or something?»

Toni rolls her eyes, «I meant, the interviews and the photos and the articles- about us.» Toni is not ashamed to say the word, because they surely are a “us”, which may mean best friends, or family — but she still averts her eyes and fiddles with the crumbs.

«It doesn’t, no. Does it bother _you_?»

«Nah, not anymore,» Even if it never has, and that first time, the deal was with how disrespectful they had been, more than anything. Toni would go as far as saying she was always proud, or perhaps hopeful, that those articles would turn into truth, but that was dangerous territory, so she always backpedalled.

When Toni thinks the conversation is over, Shelby brings it up again: «I’m sorry if it does, though.»

«It’s cool, Shelby, it really doesn’t.»

«But what if you want to date someone?» Shelby meets her eyes, and she does look troubled, as if she’s been worrying about that for a while now, «I didn’t mean to put your life on pause just because I wanted to be close to you.»

It’s not what Toni should be focusing on, but the admission, the fact that Shelby, too, felt the need to spend time with her, that reassures Toni, makes her feel all fuzzy and warm and like she could kiss her, now.

But she says instead: «I’m glad you’re here with me. And I can still date even if we’re living together, it’s no big deal,» because “I can’t see myself going on a date now, just much like I couldn’t see myself before, but for very different reasons” isn’t an appropriate response.

So Shelby nods, and Toni throws a casual, «Same goes for you. If you want your privacy or something, you’re not being kidnapped,» to which Shelby just answers with a smile.

Toni hopes it won’t come to that, though. Is it unrealistic to want to grow old with one of your best friends and them only?

* * *

It’s during one of these little “dates”, if one could call them such, that Shelby sees Toni getting angry for the first time. Not the preludes to it, not the going rigid and aphasic and on the verge of having a breakdown. Not that, but full losing control, full grabbing jacket and throwing the person on the ground, getting closer and threatening to punch them.

It starts at night, and May is ending, the trees have all sorts of nice flowers, and they went out to get ice cream.

It starts with giggles, and Toni mocking Shelby’s choice of having a vanilla ice cream, a sexual joke and a sexual comeback.

It’s a Friday night, so that might have contributed, and the three guys look way younger than them, perhaps in their seventeens, and it’s a comment said with a slurred voice, about “licking like that” or something just as gross, and the slurring of words is explained when they get closer and the smell of alcohol is evident.

It’s not a dangerous situation by any means, as they’re right in front of an ice cream parlour full of people. If anything was to actually happen, Shelby knows that someone will definitely intervene. So Shelby just smiles at them, because she’s learned that it’s best to be compliant than to put up a fight, and she lays a hand on Toni’s arm to suggest they head back home. But Toni has her feet planted on the ground, and somewhere between a wrathful and an alarmed expression, as if she knew what was about to happen, as if she was unnaturally scared of those three kids, or perhaps of the consequences that being scared and acting on that fear might bring.

And then it happens: Toni asking to repeat that if they have the guts, the guys whistling, commenting on how she should just smile like “her friend here”, that is Shelby, is doing. And Toni probably doesn’t think about it, or maybe she does, and Shelby would like to know what went in her brain to suggest that tackling him on the ground was a good idea. Then photos are being taken, and whispers of “Is that Toni Shalifoe, the basketball player?” start surrounding them, in a way that when Shelby finally drags her away, it might be too late for her image.

* * *

They’re walking back home, as they came down here on foot, and Toni has her firsts still held tight, her mouth feels like if it won’t bite down on something, it will bite down on itself, and with every step she takes she feels like’s this close to stomping like a fucking child.

And the worst part is that Shelby lets her: she just walks by her side, one hand still on her arm, that Toni would like to scroll away just as much as hold onto, and they’re not talking.

They don’t talk even when Toni hands Shelby the keys to the apartment, as she knows her hands are still trembling from the adrenaline.

And they don’t even talk, despite Shelby’s attempt, her «Toni…» that Shelby doesn’t press further, merciful of Toni’s look — the look one would wear, knowing they fucked up. Shelby just told her that she wanted to be close to her, and Toni wouldn’t blame her, if she no longer did.

So Toni goes to sit on the couch, feeling a different kind of anger, no longer towards the guys, but towards herself, with Regan’s voice ringing in her ears. Why couldn’t she just let go?

And that stupid muscovite isn’t working, because for as much as Toni holds onto it, it only reminds her how much she must have let Shelby down.

* * *

Shelby isn’t sure how she should act. She isn’t sure if she can just hold Toni just like she did those first two times, if it’ll be enough, if Toni will be suffocating, if she needs space. So she tries once, with a weak calling of her name, when Toni is aggressively brushing her teeth, in a way that makes her spit blood in the sink. But Toni just rinses and walks away, then.

She takes her pillow from the left side of the bed, a blanket from the wardrobe, and throws them on the couch. So Shelby tries again, because Toni is just sitting there, mimicking all those little gestures back again: the bouncing of her leg, the picking at her nails, the worrying of her lip between her teeth, frantically twisting the stone in her hands.

Shelby leans on the doorframe, leaving all that space between them, and goes for a joke, as Toni always does: «I bet that guy won’t do it again now.»

Shelby expects Toni to bite back, to say “I bet he will”, or “men don’t change”, or something like that, anything that might suggest the tiniest bit of backstory to justify that over-reaction — even if maybe there is none, and Toni is just like that, anger management issues coming with the whole package.

Shelby surely doesn’t expect Toni to look at her for the briefest of moments, her lower lip trembling, and her hiding her face behind a hand, turning to the other side, as if ashamed. And if that wasn’t clear enough, it’s the sound of sobbing that has Shelby rushing to her side, because something is clearly happening.

«It’s fine, nothing happened, Toni,» Shelby says, as she holds her tight, as Toni turns and hides her face in Shelby’s shirt this time, hands holding on it as if she was falling down.

Shelby rocks her until she has calmed down, and when she has, Toni retracts and looks collected, as if nothing truly happened. «But it did, Shelby, and it’s gonna be all over the news.»

«If they’re going to be assholes about it you can always change team-»

«But what if they don’t want me after this one?»

That is a legitimate fear for someone in any other kind of industry, or for someone not nearly as skilled as Toni, so Shelby understands that there’s something else, behind it. She’s not in Toni’s head, but it feels a bit like she is, when Toni looks down at her hands, as if she wasn’t talking about her career.

So Shelby places a hand on Toni’s, following the double layer of the conversation, if there truly is one. «They will.»

Toni scoffs, «You don’t know that.»

«I’m the one who reads Sports Illustrated,» Shelby jokes, and this time, Toni lets out a wet chuckle.

«Besides, players don’t get hired for their private life, they get hired for how well they play.»

«You’re my friend for how well I play?»

Shelby smiles, of a proud smile, because she wasn’t expecting Toni to speak offhand, «So we aren’t just talking about basketball,» and because Shelby is proud for that display of emotional maturity — a display she feels like she doesn’t possess herself, when she’s around Toni — she says it, before Toni has the trouble to ask:

«I knew what I was signing up for, so no, I’m not your friend for how well you play. And I won’t stop being your friend for your problems. Hell, I started being your friend because of your problems, didn’t I?»

«You started being my, ugh, do I have to say it out loud?»

«Please do.»

«You started being my _cuddler_ , not my friend, because of them.» The exaggerated distaste in the word makes Shelby chuckle, and that brings a smile on Toni as well, so she takes that as a victory.

«I’m not sure where the switch happened. The point is, I’m the last person you have to worry about leaving you, as long as you want me to stay.» She says that loud and clear, because if Shelby knows how to do her job, she knows that is exactly what Toni needs to her, the reason why she just broke down in her arms.

«God, you’re so sappy.» But Shelby knows it was the right thing to say, when they fall asleep together on the couch.

* * *

It gets on the news, and a whole debate starts, quoting witnesses that probably weren’t even there, some saying that the guys deserved it, some other saying that the guy punched first, and thank god the photos were only photos, and the videos started after Toni threw the guy on the ground, so that no clear story was depicted, and it stayed like that. The guy didn’t even press charges, nor did Toni, obviously, despite some awful suggestions she heard, and in a few weeks, it truly was as if it never happened. But Toni knows how this market works, and how it takes a misstep under the spotlight to have every little mistake of the past being dug back up. And it’s not just a mistake, she knows what she did was wrong, and the fact that she never apologized wasn’t good either — but ultimately, she was glad the question just seemed to have everyone lose interest in it.

* * *

It’s Easter break when an old friend of Shelby reaches out, Dorothy Campbell, and it’s also Easter break when Shelby and Toni meet two other girls from San Francisco, journalist Leah Rilke and model Fatin Jadmani, at one of the parties Toni is asked to attend to adjust her public image.

It’s sport-based, so that there’s old diving star Rachel Reid attending, proudly displaying her stump hand. Shelby has heard all about her, in Sports Illustrated, and her statement on why she won’t wear a prosthesis to sugarcoat her reality for sensitive people, because presenting an example for young people who might be going through similar experiences is more important.

It starts with a «Uh, sorry, I didn’t mean to,» by Fatin when she bumps into her, then it’s the same Fatin who looks at her like she’s seen her from somewhere, squints her eyes, and asks her: «Are you the one who’s banging Toni Shalifoe?»

It starts zero to a hundred, and Leah is by Fatin’s side in a second before Shelby even has the time to laugh and correct it, and Leah has her notebook out as if she’s too waiting for Shelby’s answers.

It’s then that she meets Dot, that comes to her rescue, and asks her if she remembers her from high school, and of course Shelby does, Dot stood out, with her dyed hair and zero fucks given attitude. Shelby had wanted to talk to her in high school, actually. It’s with Dot’s «You really upgraded from that asshole to Toni,» that they bond over bad mouthing Andrew — and again, Shelby doesn’t correct her.

Then Rachel walks by, and Leah quickly interviews her, and in between questions, she too takes extra time to square Shelby up and down. «Are you the Minnesota cuddler?»

Shelby had no idea news from two years ago could still circulate like that, but as Fatin tells her later, «The lesbian sports community doesn’t forget. _And_ it’s not like you’re trying to keep it a secret now,» with a wink.

Shelby knows that occasional articles still portray her and Toni in domestic photos, taking a walk or other innocent activities, but she had no idea there was a whole “lesbian sports community” who had been speculating about them on the internet.

Shelby wouldn’t mind taking a look, just for fun.

* * *

Toni feels like she should backpedal from the statement she made to herself, back in the winter break, about how Shelby looked great but there wasn’t really an attitude to back it up. Even during their flirty bantering, Toni knew that Shelby was just joking, so she never read any of that as more than that: innocent playing.

But now Shelby is holding a conversation in her palm with ex-professional diver Rachel Raid, model Fatin Jadmani, one of the most famous sports journalists Leah Rilke and international referee Dot Campbell — with such charm, with such confidence, that Toni feels it: _Shelby is hot_.

She doesn’t even think about it, she straight up feels it in the reaction of her body, and there sure is an attitude to back her looks up, when she laughs and she smiles and runs a hand through her golden hair and takes a sip of her drink with her full lips on the glass — Toni feels her mouth go dry, as she’s dumbly standing there, blocking the way of some people.

(It’s a side of Shelby she’s never seen before, an adult and emancipated and _cool_ side of her that she already knew, but quite under this aesthetic and sensual light.)

Then Shelby catches her eyes, and her smile turns even brighter, and she’s waving and calling her name. So Toni gets closer, of course she does, a bit awkwardly, with her heart loud in her chest.

«There she is! This is the very first time I get to see your face up close, Shalifoe,» Fatin tells her, because that is the first time Toni is attending the party, and she had no idea someone like Fatin had been keeping track.

«Yeah, you done playing mysterious?» Dot backs it up, and up close she’s thought she’d be as threatening as she looks on court, but she just gives off laid back vibes now.

«Your girl dragged you out of the cave,» Rachel Reid comments, and Toni doesn’t even know what to focus on, if it’s _Rachel Reid_ who’s talking to her, or the comment itself.

She looks at Shelby in confusion, because is she talking about her, being Toni’s girl? But Shelby smiles with amusement at her, and gives her a kiss on her cheek to shut her up, and that works just fine.

* * *

«We have a group chat with Dot Campbell, Leah Rilke, Fatin Jadmani and Rachel Reid? Fuck, is this how you christian people feel on christmas?» Toni asks, launching herself on the bed, still fully clothed and dreaming eyes.

It’s endearing to Shelby, how the four of them admired Toni as a player just as much as Toni admired their professions. It’s a side of Toni she almost never sees, not under her full-of-herself jokes, nor usually being the one who receives the praise. But Toni is humble enough to recognize others’ achievements, not petty or jealous like one with Toni’s success might be.

«This is what “us christian people” feel everyday,» Shelby follows the joke, as she starts undressing. They didn’t drink much, but still she holds on to the edge of the bed, just in case.

Toni must be feeling playful though, still holding on to the feeling of the day, because she takes Shelby’s elbow, causing her to fall forward, and soon enough she’s being tackled down, in a suddenly improvised wrestling match. It isn’t fair by any meaning, as Toni trains every single day, and it’s been quite the minute since the last time Shelby went to a spinning class — so Shelby goes from a different tactic than trying to fruitlessly disentangle from under Toni’s body.

It’s a low blow, when she stops, smiles mischievously, and Toni looks smug herself, «Already giving up Goodkind?» — so Shelby sits half-up, for how much her pinned down wrists lets her, and places a sweet kiss on Toni’s cheek, which has Toni’s hands loosen up, much like Shelby had anticipated. So she sets free, and with a twist of her hips, switches the positions.

Shelby laughs, because Toni’s dumbfounded expression is fun enough, but Toni gulps, and looks away, and Shelby understands straight away that they’re no longer in game territory. It’s the kind of tension that neither of them wants to let go off, as neither of them makes any move to break it, and when Toni looks back at her, Shelby’s intimacy starts asking her what the hell is she waiting for, when Toni has that expression, unreadable and so explicit at the same time.

«They thought we were dating,» Toni says, after an embarrassing amount of time has passed. It breaks the spell, despite Toni’s low voice, so Shelby dismounts off her and gets off the bed.

She chuckles, hoping it won’t sound half as nervous as it does in her own ears, «Yeah, uh, did you know there’s a whole “lesbian sports community”?»

«Of course, everyone knows that.»

That surprised Shelby, who looks back at Toni, who’s holding herself up on her elbows, «Why didn’t you tell me?»

«Didn’t know you were interested.»

«Well, I am.»

«If you’re interested for yourself, then you might want to know how Rachel was checking you out.»

«She was not.»

«She _was_ , Shelby.»

«Are you jealous?»

«Of my fake date? Absolutely.»

* * *

It’s not that hard seeing Shelby back in the way she used to, most of the time. But it’s the little details that make Toni spend extra attention on her, when they’re touching, the temperature of Shelby’s body, when Shelby drinks and little drops fall from her lips, when she’s tying her hair up. Toni doesn’t even know if she’s supposed to feel guilty, because that is her best friend, surely not one to sexualize or objectify, so Toni tries to resist all of that.

But Shelby asks her to train with her, «So we can have a fair fight next time,» and Toni thought it would be a very innocent thing, another thing to do together.

«What kind of training do you want?»

«You’re the expert, coach.»

«It depends on how in shape you are.»

«Wanna check?»

Toni rolls her eyes, but they decide on going to the gym to figure out Shelby’s maximals.

* * *

So Shelby comes to the gym with her, and sometimes they catch a teammate or two, whose schedules coincide with Toni’s, and their eloquent smiles say plenty about what they must think is going on here.

Touching Shelby’s waist to adjust her position, being ironically called “coach” in a way that makes Toni wander to role-play territory, and generally seeing her being good at everything she tries — none of that helps Toni’s situation. Even if it was Shelby’s idea to begin with, it almost feels forbidden, something Toni shouldn’t be doing, or at least not with that mindset, and not when Shelby’s gym wear is bright pink but also very tight.

Shelby’s past training shows, because was done with consistency alongside a great diet throughout her developing years, so that even if it’s been half a decade now, she still is above average.

And, once they come back home, Shelby tells her that she’s had fun, and can’t wait to see the results, even if Toni knows Shelby already has a body to envy.

* * *

They’ve been hanging out with Dot, Leah, Rachel and Fatin all afternoon, just chilling in Fatin’s patio and playing board games, in a way that kind of shocked Shelby, who imagined their first meetup would be at another party, drinking and dancing.

But they did not, and those people are actually even more chill than Shelby could have imagined.

«So, how did you and Leah get together?» Rachel asks Fatin, catching Shelby’s attention.

But it’s Fatin’s narrative what keeps it, how it was at one of these parties, and they got into a fight because Fatin wasn’t supposed to be here, and Fatin couldn’t understand why the hell Leah cared — until they hooked up and that was it.

«“And that was it”? Who hookups with a stranger after they fight?» Dot asks, expressing the confusion Shelby was feeling.

«Well, a woman has her needs, right Toni?» Fatin answers, as if that explained anything, and when Shelby’s eyes go to look for Toni’s reaction, she finds her just as confused, «Uh, I guess so.»

* * *

They laugh about it, that same night.

«Damn, Fatin wasn’t half-arsing it,» Toni comments, as they’re getting ready for bed.

«Well, at least some of us are getting some,» Shelby jokes, at ease enough to do so as they’ve done plenty of times before.

Toni smiles, «Right?» Gargles, and is back at it, leaning on the sink, arms crossed.

«What?» Shelby asks, looking playful for how fake-serious Toni just got.

«I know it was just a joke, but you wouldn’t have any problem in “getting some”, if you wanted.»

Shelby has her jaw open, because, what? She laughs, genuinely not expecting that, and wondering what just possessed Toni to say something so out of her usual fashion, «Are you offering, Shalifoe?»

«What? I meant generally speaking!»

«Sure you did. And on what basis?»

«What basis could one look for?»

«You’d be surprised.»

Toni just walks out of the bathroom, and Shelby wonders if she got that embarrassed about it, but Shelby knows it was meant to be a compliment even before Toni specifies: «I meant looks anyway,» once Shelby joins her on the bed.

«Do you want to know what I think?» Shelby asks, and Toni is looking at her unimpressed, probably waiting for the umpteenth tease. But Shelby says: «You wouldn’t have any problems either.»

* * *

Shelby’s mind has been full ever since that conversation. It’s not like she hasn’t thought about it, she has more often than she’d like to admit to herself — but there were so many barriers: first it was her faith, and when her faith moulded into allowing that sort of things, it was her not letting people in, and when she let Toni in, it was Toni just being friendly towards her.

So Shelby has thought about it, in various shapes and forms, and she has allowed herself to think about it precisely because she knows she needs a person she deeply trusts, for her first time. Because it’s not just sex, even when it is — it certainly wouldn’t be lovemaking now, would it? — it’s not just sex when that has been the reason why your family rejected you.

It’s multiple factors: it’s knowing that you won’t be young forever, it’s curiosity, it’s genuine attraction for Toni, it’s trust, it’s desire. And it most definitely is the bee in Shelby’s bonnet that Fatin, and the conversation that followed that night, got her for the past week.

«You’ve been kind of in your mind lately. Is everything fine?» Toni asks her, one of these nights, when both of them are reading in bed, but Shelby has been on the same page for almost twenty minutes now.

She blinks, looks at Toni, and finds her slightly concerned expression.

«Uh, yeah, everything’s good,» Shelby answers on autopilot, smiling and going back to read. But the printed words stare back at her as if they were disappointed at her, as if they took the shape of a face that is eyeing where Toni is sitting. And damn, if that hallucination isn’t the sign that Shelby is tired, she doesn’t know what is.

So Shelby closes the book suddenly, making a loud noise that has Toni’s attention back on her.

«Actually,» Shelby starts, puts her book away, and sees Toni doing the same, looking almost scared at Shelby’s unforeseen change of mind.

Shelby doesn’t know where to start to make it less awkward, and it shouldn’t be a big deal, and she doesn’t know if it’s a good idea, if it will make things weird between them, if it will jeopardize Shelby’s first good relationship after Becca’s.

Still, she says it, because she trusts Toni like that, and because Toni’s understanding eyes ground her.

«The thing you said, the other day,» Toni nods, as if she knows it had to do something with that, so Shelby continues, twisting her torso to give her full attention to Toni, «I’ve never- I’ve never had it.»

She says it like it’s a crime, feeling a bad and faint reminiscence of how she used to feel at the parties Andrew brought her to, while everyone drank and danced and had fun, but Shelby couldn’t, and she felt so out of place.

Toni doesn’t mock her, she just says: «Really?» and, «Sorry, I just assumed,» and, after a moment of thinking, «I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable at the time.»

Shelby smiles because Toni is being sweet even then, but «It’s not- you didn’t, make me uncomfortable. I just. I left my family for this, and sure, not just for the sex, but I didn’t even have it, you know? It almost feels ironic. Or, like a punishment.»

Shelby lets it all out like she’s alone in the room, and even goes as far as saying «And I’m twenty-six now, it’s not like I’m gonna be likeable forever, but I don’t even know where to start, do you go out there and ask people? I skipped that phase in high school, or college, or when you’re supposed to do that.» But it’s just half of the story, so Shelby just keeps going, because there’s no coming back now: «But even then, I don’t want it to be in a dirty public bathroom, or at someone’s place with a stranger. I don’t mean that I need to date first, or fall in love, or any of that, but I just need to know that I can trust that person, because it’s gonna be weird the first time, right?»

And when Shelby even touches darker themes, such as «Maybe it’s too late and I’ve lost my occasion and now I’m just a coward,» or «I should have let Andrew- when he- what if that was actually my only chance?» 

Shelby isn’t exactly sad, she just speaks from a place of frustration and exhaustion and just wanting to get to that forbidden land that everyone talks about in many different ways, but it just feels unreachable for her.

Toni is in no way equipped to answer to any of that. Shelby just sounds like one would when being neglected something specific, fighting for that, losing something for that, just to end up not possessing it, and that is a feeling Toni can understand. With affection and foster families and all that. But this one is such a concrete matter, something Toni could actually help Shelby with, that is causing Shelby so much frustration but that actually doesn’t take anything if not another person and some time.

But there the question is placed: if Toni offered, and if Shelby accepted, and if it all happened, what then? How could Toni still keep a straight face around Shelby, despite Toni’s feelings — which are not those kinds of feelings, they really aren’t, but they’re probably stronger than Shelby’s, for some perception Toni has. How could she offer Shelby her services, and just think of them as a service? Because Toni hasn’t had much experience — and oh my, what if Shelby doesn’t even like it? What if Toni is _that_ rusty now? — and that experience only ever involved feelings, so what if she ends up catching feelings?

But Shelby says something about occasions, and needing someone she trusts, and because Shelby has honoured Toni with such raw vulnerability, Toni can only do the same.

So, she starts with trying to ease the mood, because Toni feels like trembling at the sole thought of what she’s about to suggest. «I mean, it’s nothing special,» Toni starts, just in case she’ll be that bad, «And if you want to- because you’re curious, it’s cool, and I’m- I mean, I might- if it’s not weird for you- not because I want to, but it’s not like I don’t, because I’m offering, but don’t think you _have to_ , that’s what I wanted to say.» It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but Toni hopes Shelby got the message.

She’s looking amused at Toni’s babbling, which is good, even if it was at Toni’s expenses, because there’s nothing worse than starting in a bad mood.

So Shelby nods, «You don’t have to, either, just because you feel sorry for me.»

«I don’t, I just think it doesn’t make sense if you want to and it’s no big deal.»

Neither of them dares to say the word, but now everything is out there, when Shelby gives her one final nod, and a «Thank you, then.»

Toni adjusts on the spot, shifts on the mattress, her heart pounding in her chest, because does it mean right now? By the way Shelby is also scooting closer, Toni guesses it is, and instantly, she feels like she’s the one in need of directions.

But she’s supposed to be some sort of counsellor now, to show Shelby how it’s done, even if she might be the least indicated person for the job — still, Toni tries to get into that mindset, and gets on her knees, the mattress shifting underneath her, as Shelby looks up at her.

Face to face, Shelby sitting in front of her, Toni levelling down to be closer, she asks for consent, just to make sure: «Can I touch you?»

Shelby still looks nervous, biting her lip, a bit tense, but she huffs a smile, «That’s the whole point,» which makes Toni laugh, and eases some of the tension.

So Toni does: without taking any of their clothes off, without kissing, without even foreplay, because that’s not what Shelby asked her: just thumbs circling on her hips, occasional knuckles brushing against her centre until Shelby is responsive enough, holding on Toni’s back, looking for more contact. When a thrust of her hips finds Toni’s forearm, that’s Toni’s clue to cut the preliminary part and skip to what Shelby asked her. So she slips a hand past the waistband on Shelby’s pyjamas and puts some pressure there, still above the underwear, «Is this okay?»

Shelby nods, sighs a «Yes,» and Toni tells her: «Tell me when you want to-»

«Now,» Is Shelby’s quick answer, in between rushed breaths, clenched jaw and shut eyes, followed by a quieter: «Please.»

Toni’s full of mixed feelings, of her heart imploding for the fact that she got to touch Shelby Goodkind, with no doubt the person she admires the most, and the person she feels the most affectionate about, like this, being trusted like this — then it’s witnessing Shelby’s reactions, how the sound of her little moans, the one she’s trying to bite back makes her feel, the way her hands holding on her shirt make her feel, the way Toni would desperately want Shelby to open her eyes just to look at her expression. And then there’s that: the fact that Shelby almost looks as if she’s in pain, even if Toni it can’t be a physical one, if her wetness is any indicator, so she has to ask:

«Are you sure? We can slow down if you want-»

« _Toni._ » It’s said with a kind of desperation that would flatter Toni, in another contest. But now it only worries her, because it feels off, for some reason, and she really doesn’t want Shelby’s first time to be something to go that bad, if she can make something about it.

«Shelby, look at me.»

But she hides her face on the crook of Toni’s neck, working her hips against her, repeating: «Please, please, _please_ ,» as if it was a mantra, a prayer, something she needs.

Toni is torn, because she doesn’t want to deprive her of this, not when she just heard what it means to Shelby, but she also doesn’t want to be careless and turn a blind eye to how there clearly is something going on now. So she does the one thing Shelby taught her, and still keeping her hand in place, she places the other one on Shelby’s arched lower back, to help her turn into a laying position.

And it’s not exactly cuddling, not by any means, but she uses her free hand to caress Shelby’s hair, as gently as she can, and places one kiss on Shelby’s cheek, like she’s done many times to Toni, and not once Toni has reciprocated before. «Is this okay?»

Shelby nods, so Toni follows that line of action, and showers Shelby with little kisses, and tries to talk to her through it, with little anecdotes, on how «My first time was awful,» and «I bumped my head against the wall for starters,» and many other stupid details just to make Shelby laugh.

And when Shelby finally opens her eyes, and she does chuckle, and those very eyes are lucid and her lower lip is trembling, for the fourth time, thinks she might just try and kiss her pain away.

But instead she complies with Shelby’s one request, and slips her hand under Shelby’s underwear, and if it was humid, now Toni can distinctively feel her arousal. She traces the length of her folds, circles her ball of nerves, gets in, curls her fingers, looks for the spongy spot on the wall, and just explores, moves, tries to accustom to Shelby’s bodily feedbacks, all while she keeps trying to set a easy and light and safe environment, between their usual jokes and the low steady sound of her own voice.

When Shelby comes, and she feels her nails on her back, even through her shirt, and her fingers being squished inside, and Shelby has that open expression on her face, and she just made that obscene sound — right then Toni feels her stomach drop, and with the most pleasing feeling she’s ever felt, she tries to drink it all in and crave it in her mind, to never forget it.

She helps Shelby ride the little aftermath shocks, and once that happens, she gets out of her, and doesn’t put any distance in between, for how _scared_ and _lost_ Shelby looked, just then. Toni feels like her job isn’t complete yet, so she asks, «Was it that bad?» with laughing eyes and a lazy smile, hoping it will steady Shelby.

And it apparently does, because Shelby shakes her head, and gets Toni in a hug, that keeps her like that for the rest of the night, cuddling in a much more intimate way than she’s ever experienced.

«Thank you.»

«Anytime.»

«Really?»

«At your risk,» and it’s meant to be a joke, but Toni means it. It’s Shelby’s risk, if Toni ends up finally kissing her, one of these days.

* * *

Shelby was not expecting Toni to beat her to her request by offering, but it sure saved her from having to think how to phrase it, without making it sound as if she was taking advantage of her.

She surely wasn’t expecting to see this soft side of her, that side she knew fully well existed, but didn’t quite know where: around Martha, talking about her profession, buying Shelby her necklace, attending service with her.

But that night, that night Toni showed a whole other side to her, one that took care of Shelby in the exact way she needed, not even knowing it.

So it’s only natural that Shelby feels so drawn to her now, having just one more reason to, and when the next night she says it as a joke, quoting Toni’s «“Anytime”?» she doesn’t expect much out of it: perhaps a joke, which arrives («Eager, are we? Was I _that_ good?» «Don’t get cocky now,») and nothing more.

But Toni studies her, and Shelby keeps in a place, and finds herself adding: «If it’s not much trouble for you,» with fake-innocence. Toni gulps at that, Shelby follows the motion of the column of her throat, and she thrives in that feeling — of being _wanted_ like that.

So it happens once, then twice, and a third time, until Shelby is too exhausted, and ends up curling against Toni’s side.

And from that very first time, without Shelby even realizing it, it becomes yet another habitual thing they do.

* * *

Shelby would like to say nothing changed, but it did, just like things changed after Toni’s attack on that kid: Toni saw the most vulnerable part of her, both of them did, and things do change, but for the better. As both of them now have seen that raw and ugly side, that anger and that insecurity, and still choose to stay at each other’s side, and actively tried to heal it.

* * *

«Can I try something else?» Toni asks her one night, panting, and now it’s summer, and they’ve started sleeping on top of the sheets, with the window wide open.

«Sure,» Shelby says, as she’s just waiting for Toni to cut the foreplay and touch her like she needs to, because as much as she’s sweet, Shelby now feels fully safe around her, in a way that Toni could tear her clothes off and Shelby wouldn’t rate it anything but _hot_.

Toni lowers down, leaving kisses on top of Shelby’s shirt, «These need to go,» and Shelby does just that, kicking off her shorts and panties.

Toni takes a moment to look at her, and if Shelby wasn’t so impatient she might be flattered, but it’s soon that Toni is leaving kisses on Shelby’s inner thighs, on her groin area, and the view is just something else. It’s the kind of dedication that has Shelby’s guts twist with pleasure, and she runs her fingers through Toni’s curly mane, and it feels soft and it looks beautiful, just like she does.

Then Toni licks there, with an open and flat tongue, and “beautiful” turns into something much more obscene, that Shelby keeps to herself.

And as she comes, one hand pulling Toni’s hair in a way that hopes is gentle, trying to get her as close as she can, words leave her mouth, words that Shelby didn’t even know were an explicit thought in her mind — « _Fuck_ , I love you,» but Toni is merciful enough to pretend she hasn’t heard, and Shelby is busy enough feeling overwhelmed to pay much attention to what that means.

But Toni travels back to her, settling her body between Shelby’s tights, and looks at her like treasure-finders do.

Shelby knows she has to say something, she really does, but her brain short-circuits, because she hasn’t had that conversation with herself yet, so she utters: «Can I do you?»

And Toni blinks, taken aback, because clearly that wasn’t what she was waiting for Shelby to clarify.

So Shelby says, in an even worse way: «I meant it, like, platonically. Of course I love you, you’re my best friend.»

Toni’s expression falters, «I, uh, you’re my best friend too,» but goes to fetch Shelby’s clothes, help her in it, and just lays beside her, arm crossed, in a typical defensive manner.

Toni has no business feeling rejected, of course she doesn’t, because she knows they’re just best friends. Not that “best friends” isn’t a pretty fucking high place to have in someone’s heart, but doing that little fuckbuddies thing with Shelby was really proving to be pretty fucking hard for her already confused heart. Was Toni starting to actually develop feelings for Shelby? Toni knows that when they sprout from a relationship that strong there’s no crush in between, it goes gradually from affection to falling in love between one can even realize. Every single time Shelby looked at her with her sweet eyes and satisfied smile Toni felt like she could cry out of joy, she felt so loved, in a way she never ever has before, not even as a child.

And she knows “I meant it platonically” doesn’t translate it to “who could ever learn to love someone destructive like you?”, but Shelby is the person who knows Toni the most now, even more than Martha, so why doesn’t Shelby love her?

That’s why she’s laying next to her, feeling her muscles tensed, jumpy with her eyes burning and her throat closed in a knot.

Shelby scoots closer, lays her head on Toni’s chest and cuddles against her, and Toni doesn’t know why, but she apologizes.

«I didn’t mean to mess it up, Toni. You really are the person I care about the most.»

Toni just nods, because if she tries to speak, she knows her voice will betray her.

And Shelby waits for her to say something, as her hands draw circles on her stomach, but soon enough, both of them fall asleep.

* * *

After that one time they act as nothing happened, neither of them brings it up, and Shelby tries to fight back and filter everything that crosses her mind, in the immediate moments before climaxing.

It’s September again, a few days before the third anniversary of the day they first met, when Shelby is shopping for clothes with Fatin.

«Are you guys having a fight?» She asks her, throwing a piece of leopard clothing against her.

Shelby catches and frowns, «Who, me and Toni?»

«Yeah, there has been tension for a month now.»

Shelby isn’t sure whether to tell her or not, and she would normally go to Toni for that, but she really can’t for this one — so she tells Fatin everything, and asks for advice.

«Oh my god, I’ve never heard anything more stupid than that. Isn’t it like your whole job, figuring out how people are feeling?»

Shelby feels a bit attacked, «Yeah, why?»

«My girl Toni is clearly in love with you, and you friendzoned her right after she gave you cunnilingus?»

Shelby has barely the time to blink, because, «She gave me what?»

«That’s the least important detail,» and the explanation Fatin gives her after follows in a way that makes Shelby wonder if Toni actually has feelings for her.

«So the question is, my favourite Texan — don’t tell Dot I said that, — what do you want to do with her?»

And that’s a pretty fucking good question.

«Also, I’d consider changing job-» but Shelby is throwing the leopard thing back in her face.

* * *

Toni has made peace with it, because dating and relationships and marriages are just labels at the end of the day, and as long as she stays close to Shelby, she’ll be fine.

She’s also not one to forget dates, and she knows today it’s been three years since that _“Hi, I’m Shelby, you must be Toni!”_ and her dumb _“Yeah,”_ for an answer.

Who would have thought she’d end up here, huh.

When she hears the keys open the door, she’s been cooking dinner for Shelby and herself, and to beat her to the reminder, she promptly says: «The first time the client has all the power.»

«I knew what day it was!» Shelby tells her, and she’s dropping her shoes by the door, alongside hanging her coat, just to come and hug her. She has a paper bag in hand, which Toni eyes and says: «I’ve cooked already,» guessing it’s some take-out.

But before Shelby can explain herself, she asks: «Do you still say that to your clients? Wait, does someone not make sexual jokes about it?»

«Every single one of them, now sit down.»

Toni raises her brows, «Bossy, I like it,» and she obeys, leaving everything she was handling on the table.

Shelby looks a bit nervous, for whatever reason, and she gives her the paper bag.

«I mean, since it became a thing,» She starts, and what Toni takes from it is another necklace, for which she laughs, «It’s very pretty but I can’t go around with two, can I?»

Shelby rolls her eyes, «You can switch days.»

Toni nods, because it makes sense, and takes a good look at it: it’s pink, a colour Toni would see better on Shelby than herself. «What does it mean?»

«It’s a rose quartz.»

Toni looks at her, questioningly. «I know I gave you one of these first, but I’m not a gem expert. What does it mean?»

«Love.»

Shelby is looking at her like the word is loaded, like she expects a big reaction out of Toni, and things don’t connect.

«Like, platonic friendly love?»

Shelby huffs, and she has her hands behind her back, like this was something hard to say. «Like _romantic_ love.»

Toni knows what that is supposed to mean, because who does one give red roses to? But she still has to ask, so she stands up, not really feeling like being mocked tonight, of all nights.

«Why did you give it to me?»

Shelby’s answer is not verbal, as she cups her cheeks and pulls her in. And that’s their first kiss, despite everything else they’ve done, and it feels majestic. It feels just like that rose quartz look: mysterious and powerful and yet soft and safe, and Toni doesn’t mean to, but how can she not cry, when something like that happened to her, of all people? In a life where someone like Dr Ted existed, and still Marty managed to find Alex, in a life where Fatin’s dad existed, and still Fatin found Leah, in that kind of life, that one kiss seemed to suggest that Toni too, with her anger and with her inexperience with affection, could be loved back.

* * *

Shelby would like to have a time machine, go back and tell young Shelby that the kind of love she imagined Andrew, Tony Romo, or even Becca could provide, not only wasn’t real, but her young mind couldn’t even imagine what she’d be feeling right now: as she’s finally feeling One with Toni, connected in a way that makes her thing if these silly stories about gems and magic are actually real, and that little piece of pink rock is merging their souls in a single one.

And the dinner is cute and special and embarrassing, switching between their usual selves, to being reminded of what just happened, and having them laugh as shy kids do.

Like neglected, abandoned, difficult kids that never met expectations, that never had any, that tried so hard and eventually gave up but still managed to have something that was bigger than their own minds and imagination.

And after dinner Shelby gets to experience what it feels like being on the other side, touching Toni and seeing Toni naked in front of her, squirming and moving and arching her back and making those throaty sounds Shelby can’t have enough of, and it really feels like witchcraft, in a sense.

* * *

«If you two bitches don’t make me your best woman at your wedding, I’m protesting.» Is the first thing Fatin tells them, the very next time they all hang out.

«How does she do it?» Toni asks Shelby, and Shelby shrugs, just thankful that Fatin accelerated the process.

«Wait, you guys weren’t actually together?» Dot asks, «Y’all lied to us!»

«We never corrected you, there’s a difference.» Toni points out, sitting on the hammock in Fatin’s patio.

«Why?» Rachel asks, and that is a very good question, to which Shelby could only guess that their heart has known it much before their minds realised.


End file.
